RESPECT
What are some great, easy to do, marriage tips for wives?
Linn Winters
Sep 2, 2018 42m
This sermon, by Pastor Linn Winters, offers great marriage tips for wives. He talks about pursuing a biblical marriage, meaning following the scriptures on how to shape your marriage. He explains how women and men communicate differently, and teaches some easy to understand lessons for the wives to try. Video recorded at Chandler, Arizona.
TranscriptionmessageRegarding Grammar:
This is a transcription of the sermon. People speak differently than they write, and there are common colloquialisms in this transcript that sound good when spoken, and look like bad grammar when written.
This is a transcription of the sermon. People speak differently than they write, and there are common colloquialisms in this transcript that sound good when spoken, and look like bad grammar when written.
Linn Winters: 00:15 Hey, let's get started. Hey cornerstone. How are you guys doing? Hey, thanks. Thanks for being here on a Labor Day weekend. That's just super, super cool. And I was worried that I was going to be by myself, so thank you. Hey, we're in week number four of a relationship series together. If you were here last week, then ladies, you heard me talk to husbands. And God in Ephesians chapter five gave a job description to say, look, men, men, look, if you don't do anything else right, if you stumble in every other category, in every other way, do this one thing. Do this one thing right, love the girl, love the girl, love the girl. And God told him that because he knew how he wired you women. That at the end of the day, the thing that would be the most compelling, the thing that would mean the most to you, is that the man who had your heart would come towards you, that he would love you without apology, that he would make you the most important thing in his life. And God knew, because of how he built you, that that would fill your heart and thrill you as a woman.
Linn Winters: 01:40 Today we're going to switch roles and we're going to talk about what it takes to fill the heart of a man. And here's what's interesting, your job description is going to be different, he's not even going to ask you to love your husband. Matter of fact, as I go through scripture, I don't know that I can find a single verse that says to the women, love your husbands. Now, some of you wives are going whew, glad that's off the table. You know what? Here's what I think it is, God already knew how he built you. He knew that you would naturally and intuitively bring your heart to the relationship, that he didn't have to push you for that because you were going to do that of your own accord. But what he's going to say today may surprise you. Matter of fact, there's a really good chance when you see it, you're going to say two things. Hey, that's kind of hard, and it seems unnecessary. I think we could have a great relationship, and I never do that. And ladies, here's what you need to hear. In the same way that God built you, he built him. And God knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what it is that will get to his heart. That will transform your relationship, that will make him come alive, and engage more deeply within this relationship. And he is giving you unthinkable wisdom in this moment to say, ladies, if you do nothing else right, do this for your man. Because it will transform him, it will change him, because of how I built him.
Linn Winters: 03:11 Okay, so here we go. Ephesians chapter five. If you're not familiar, just go to the back of your Bible, work to the left. You're going to find this book of Ephesians, Ephesians chapter five. We're going to start in verse 21 again. Now here's what I just need to say out loud. Ephesians chapter five assumes that the relationship is reasonably healthy. Okay? It just assumes that, and I'm not saying perfect, I'm not saying it doesn't have problems, and you know a bunch of barriers maybe to work on. But it's basically saying, hey, this is a viable relationship. What it does not include is physical abuse, and I'm just going to say to every lady in this room, if you're in a relationship with a man and he is physically abusing you, run away, run away, run away today. Just leave, that has no place, that is such a deep violation of how a man is to respond to a woman. That it is absolutely unthinkable, and has no place in a relationship between a man and a woman. Period. And ladies, I'm just telling you, leave the joker. If you were my daughter, if you were my daughter, I would be calling the police, and I'd get the sucker arrested. Because physical abuse has no place in a relationship between a man and a woman. Men, God built you physically stronger. And you just need to know that God gave you that physical strength not to ever, ready? Not to ever leverage against her. Your physical strength was given to bless her, that you would protect and care for her with that strength, and never, never, never, never, never, never, never use it against her. Okay? So all that said, just enough heaviness with that, this passage assumes that that's not going on. That this is a reasonably healthy relationship between a man and a woman. Okay?
Linn Winters: 05:16 Here we go ladies, here's what's going to happen. God's going to give you a job description. Yours is twice as complex as his. Remember his had love the girl, love the girl, love the girl. That's because men can only do one thing at a time, you can multitask, and so God's going to give you two things. And ladies, I'm just going to say it out loud. What he is going to say is going to stretch us. It's going to stretch us. Lean in, Lean it. Remember we said we wanted a biblical marriage? Lean in. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Ephesians chapter five, starting in verse 21, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." That's where we started first week. We said, look, this thing is about me taking my expectations, submitting them, and saying they're less important than my spouse. It's her taking her expectations and saying look, I'm going to submit my expectations, because they're less important than me loving my spouse. And that we're going to mutually submit in that moment. Here we go ladies, verse 22, "Wives... Next word, [inaudible] Did you hear how painful that was? Right? Let me tell you why. Because in today's culture, most of our women have never seen a relationship in which a man lives in honor and love toward his wife, that he leads by caring for and devoting himself to her blessing. And because she's never seen that, and instead in contrast, she's seen men that were overbearing, she's seen men that acted in moments of deep and profound selfishness, this idea terrifies her heart.
Linn Winters: 07:11 And men, I'm just going to say to you that one of the most powerful things you could do is to begin to engage today, and to begin to lead in your home in a way that calms her heart. That she just goes, wow, that guy leverages that relationship, he leverages that role in our marriage, he leverages it for me. He leverages it to thrill my heart, and to bless our children. And I'm just saying to you, I don't know about any other woman in the world, but I could follow the man that I made my husband. Ready for this? That would be a profound gift to her if you would be that man, and take that fear away. Okay, back to the passage, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should...[inaudible]" Okay, so we lost a little of the fear. Okay, alright, here we go, "Should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. To make her holy and cleansing, by the washing with water, through the word. To present to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but they feed and they care for their body just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason, a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must (next word) respect her husband." Okay, two words in the job description, ladies. First one said, hey, submit, and we already talked about, Linn, this a terrifying proposition. And so here's what you need to hear me say. We're done talking about that word today. We're not even going to go after it. Okay, we're going to go after the second word in the conversation. But here's what you need to hear me say, you just put this on the back shelf. Until this becomes true in your relationship, you will never experience the type of marriage, the type of home that God built. You'll never have that full joy in it, it just won't happen.
Linn Winters: 09:53 It's interesting because we're in a culture right now, and because this is so fear based, the conversation that's happening right now is hey, let's be co-leaders. Let's kind of get together, and we'll just kind of co-equally kind of, you know, consider and do and we'll come to some sort of a mutual agreement. Really sounds good on paper, it is horrifyingly bad in real life. Let me give an example. Ladies, even if you don't like sports, you'll get this. That is like a football team that puts two quarterbacks in the huddle at the same time. You realize that the very decision, I mean that is such a bad decision, you have never seen a team even attempt it. Because all you're doing is setting up for two people to argue over what the next play is going to be. You literally are going to take the amount of disagreement in that relationship from here to here, because of the structure you've taken. Second thing is this, you're going to get to conversations and disagreements that simply becomes exasperating. No one can make a decision, no one can see a way forward. And so you're going to take that argument, put it on a shelf, and some of the most important decisions in your marriage will never be resolved because every time you take it off the shelf and start discussing it again, it brings up so much anger that all it does is divide. It is a horrible way. And guys, I'm just telling you, if you have any doubt about what I'm saying to you, watch your friends, watch your neighbors who try to co-lead in their home. And I am telling you if 50 percent divorce rates don't terrify you, what happens with your friends will. It's a lousy way to do a relationship. Okay, so we're done. Okay? That's on the shelf. That's not even where we're going to go today.
Linn Winters: 11:48 Ladies, here's where we're going to go. We're going to talk about this idea of bringing respect to your husband. And here's what you need to know. This is not about that he has earned it. I get it. I get it. Maybe he hasn't. This is positional respect. This is simply saying, hey, because your my husband, there is a certain level of respect that I am going to give you because of the position. Because the position requires a certain amount of respect. This is the same thing we do with our kids and their teachers. See, we don't say to them, hey, let me go interview your teacher and decide if you're going to obey or not. Right? We say, Hey, that's your teacher. It's what we do when a police officer pulls us over. When's the last time a police officer pulled you over and you said, hey, before you write me a ticket, I need to interview you, and see if your respect worthy or not. Have you ever sped? Because then you'd be a hypocrite, right? The position, the position, this is what we're supposed to do with presidents, whether we like them or not. The position.
Linn Winters: 12:56 Right now we're doing a big thing. We're all remembering a guy by the name of John McCain. And I'm just going to say to you this man, this man was not perfect. He had lots of flaws, but he had one really, really outstanding moment. I don't know if you remember John McCain ran against President Obama for his first term, remember that? And it was contentious. I mean, I'm telling you, there was an angst going on in that election, and they were lobbing bombs at each other all the way through it. And then came the night when Obama won, and the news media flocked to John McCain to say, okay, John, what do you think about the fact that Obama won and was elected president and you weren't? And they were setting him up to just blast Obama in that moment, and here's what John McCain said. He is my president. He's my president. He understood positional authority, that even though he violently disagreed with the man, he deserved a certain modicum of respect simply because of the position. And ladies, that's what we're going to ask you. See, we're going to ask you to give respect, not because he's earned it. If he earns it all the better. If he earns it, man, how cool is that? But to give him a certain level of respect because he's your husband. And ladies, here's what you need to hear me say, this is the quickest, most direct way to his heart. This is the thing that is going to fill him up, and cause him to engage in your relationship like nothing else that you can possibly do, is when you offer him respect. Let me give you a clue. When men and women fight, over and over again you'll hear the wife say, or you'll hear the woman say, that thing you did when you forgot that we had a date, when you came home late, when you said that to me, it was horribly unloving. That's what she'll say. When a man is in the same argument, he will say to her, hey, I'm just asking for some respect. And guys, here's what you need to get in the moment, God so understood how he wired a man and how he wired a woman, that that's why he created these job descriptions. And ladies, I'm just telling you ladies, there is nothing that you can do that is more powerful than what we're about to talk about right now. Okay? Alright. Let's talk about three ways that you can offer him respect that will absolutely, you ready for this, make you God's gift to his heart.
Linn Winters: 15:32 Okay? Way number one. You need to respect the fact that he bonds differently than you bond. Remember ladies we talked last week about the fact that, hey, women bond over conversation. This is where their hearts get all wrapped up together with each other. Men do not bond over conversation. Men bond, you ready, side-by-side. Men bond by doing things together. That's how they connect. It's why you can have a guy who was on a sports team in high school, and it's been 15 years, and he can't remember the name of your neighbor, but he can remember the names of every guy on that team. Why? Because they did something together. It's why you'll have a veteran who fought in a war 40 years ago, and when he begins to talk about the guys he was in war with, tears begin to go down his cheeks and he will tell you that they were the best friends he ever had. Why? Because they had long conversations in the foxhole? Because they did something side by side together. And ladies, I'm just telling you need to hear this, he does not bond talking to you, he bonds by doing things with you. It is how men bond. I'm 13 years old, and my uncle would take me hunting at 13. It was my first deer hunt, big deal, and as we were packing up the truck to get ready to go. I started noticing they were putting some of Aunt Peggy's stuff in the truck. I'm like, Aunt Peggy can't be going, girls don't hunt. Right? And yet here it was, and so sure enough we got in the truck, got ready to leave, Aunt Peggy's sitting right there in the front seat going out with us. We got up there, we're all setting everything up, she ended up cooking us meal that night. She sat, you ready for this? She sat around the campfire with all the guys, and we were all talking, and she was talking. Got up the next morning, went on a hunt, Aunt Peggy didn't go hunt with us. Matter of fact, she hung around the campsite with one of the other gals who'd come along on the trip. We got back from hunting, there was dinner sitting there waiting for us. And we sat down drinking hot chocolate and coffee, and talking about the hunt of the day, and Aunt Peggy's right in the middle of the whole thing. And it occurred to me, Aunt Peggy didn't come to hunt, she probably doesn't even like hunting. So why is she here? Because her man is here, and one of the most powerful ways that a woman bonds with a man is by doing things with him. And I remember as a 13 year old boy when that moment hit me, and I said to myself, someday I'm going to marry a woman like Aunt Peggy. Because, because, because, ladies hear this, men bond by doing. So find a way to be around him when he's doing. Go golfing with him. I know, I know. I know, you're like, I don't even like golfing. Drive the cart. Ladies think about this, if you drive the cart while he's golfing, you will have him hostage for four hours, four hours, when are you going to get that opportunity again. And just ready, ready, ready, ready? He might accidentally talk. Both of you win. Okay, ladies, if he's a mechanic, if he is a mechanic, go out in the garage, sit on a stool, read a book. Every once in a while he's going to grunt, can you hand me a wrench? And you're going to go get it, you'll say is it this one? But just accidentally, somewhere in there, he might say, hey, how do you think our kids are doing?
Linn Winters: 19:18 Men bond over doing things, respect and understand that's how he gives his heart. But ladies, here's a little clue. The thing you choose, whatever you choose to do with him, it probably does not involve shopping. That's your thing, that's probably not his thing. Okay, But how powerful, how powerful would it be, that you respect this way that God has wired him. And in the next 39 days, because that's all we've got left right now, that you found at least two times to go be engaged about what he does. To be there, and be present, and to do with him. I wonder what that would do to his heart? Because men, you ready for this? Men bond side by side.
Linn Winters: 20:06 Number two, respect that he thinks about sex totally different than how you think about sex. Ladies have you figured that out yet? How many of you, this is just like a mystery, like really? He thinks about sex differently than I think about sex. Yes. Yes. He thinks about sex totally different then you think about sex. Let me see if I can explain this to you. Ladies when you come to sex. Okay. You come there primarily...two l's? I went to seminary, not to spelling school. Yes. Okay. Alright. You come there primarily emotionally. Your experience is primarily driven on, you know what, man, our relationship is great. I just feel deeply loved, I feel deeply connected with this man, and therefore being with him physically just feels like a natural expression of what's happening emotionally in my life right now. And I just want to show him how much I love him, because of the emotions I'm experiencing in this moment. You realize he's completely different than this, that with men, sex is primarily physical. You went, I knew it, dirty dog. Ladies, this is how God built him. His body has tons and tons of testosterone flowing through his body. This is a physical response to how God created him. Can I just say that when I said that in one of the earlier services, there was a man right there that went, Amen. So it just is. And so here's what happens, ladies, I'm not saying that there's not a physical component in sex for you. I'm just saying that for you it's 80 percent emotion and it's 20 percent physical. He is just the opposite. For him it's 20 percent emotional and it's 80 percent physical. Single girls, this is why God says wait till marriage. Because when that boyfriend is pressuring you and saying, hey, if you love me, I just want to connect. And it is not what you think it is, and his heart will not go where you think his heart will go. He's more interested in your body than he is your heart. It's why, you ready. it's why God says, don't sleep with your boyfriend, don't live together before marriage, because this is how he's built. He can't help it. Here's another thing you need to hear ladies, because this is legitimately physical, it creates in him a desire, a physical desire, that the best way I can describe it is like hunger, hunger. See, she's in the relationship, and things aren't going well emotionally, and she goes, well, you we don't need to have sex. I mean, why would we celebrate that? You can have a lousy relationship, and he's going do you want to have sex? Because it's a physical hunger. It's interesting. Every once in a while you'll hear a woman and she'll say, all he wants to do is have sex. But if you realize that this is a physical hunger with him, you'd never say to someone, hey, the only reason you want to eat because you're hungry. I need you to understand that this isn't different. Now, here's the marvelous, you want to get something that's amazing. When a man commits, when a man commits, okay? It literally changes him. When he says, are you ready for this? I choose you to the exclusion of all others. I'm not going to look at porn. I'm going to be faithful to you. I'm not going to go chase other women. When he does that with his heart, he is literally changed, and this becomes 50/50. That's why God said you wait until marriage ladies. You wait till that commitment changes how he approaches this. Okay?
Linn Winters: 25:14 Now let me give you two things, ladies, that every man wish you knew about his sexuality. Okay? Two things that every husband is afraid to say out loud to you, but he wishes I would. Okay, so here we go. Number one, is this, when your husband is moving towards you physically, when he's saying, hey, hey, hey... you need to know that because of this change, he is bringing his heart also. He is. It's no longer 20/80, it's 50/50 in his heart. Because in the heart of a man pursuing you physically, is pursuing you. Do you remember last week when I said to the men, hey men, when you refuse to engage with your woman in conversation, when you say, no, I'm too tired, or I'm too busy to talk to you, and you turn her down for a conversation. It feels to her, the same way it feels to you, when you say, hey babe, and she says, no, not tonight I'm too tired. And the same wound that you feel when she turns you down, is the wound she feels when you turn her down for a conversation. And here's what you need to know ladies, when I said that to your men, they understood. Because every one of them has felt what it was like to be on the other end of coming to engage with my wife and bringing my heart, and have her say no. And he wishes you knew that, that moment makes him sad, because it wasn't just physical.
Linn Winters: 27:03 Second thing, second thing is this, that when the physical is not working in your relationship, when you're not having sex on a fairly routine and regular basis, whatever that is. But when you're not doing that, you need to know that it makes him incredibly vulnerable, because remember, he's physically driven. So when you're not having sex, and the woman says, well, of course we're not having sex, because I don't feel emotionally engaged. And I mean, so he probably doesn't really care. Yes he does, and when you're not having sex, it makes him highly vulnerable. Suddenly porn looks a heck of a lot more attractive to him, suddenly that good looking woman who's not wearing much in home depot goes walking by and his eyes linger longer. And ladies look, I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, and I'm not saying that to putting any blame. I'm saying that so that you go oh...when we stop interacting physically, when we're not having sex in our relationship, this is a big deal. Even though it may not hit me as a big, it's a big deal, and we better sort out our relationship and get this back on track. Because it places him in a vulnerable spot. Did you know that the Bible actually encourages married couples to have lots of sex? All the men are going, amen. Where is that verse? All right, I'll show you, here we go. The men are all going this is the best church service ever. I'm so glad, I'm going to tell all my friends, they should've come to church on Labor Day. First Corinthians, First Corinthians, Chapter Seven. If you didn't close your Bible is going to be a little bit to the left. If you closed your Bible, shame on you. No, I'm teasing. Just go to the back, start working to left. First Corinthians Chapter Seven. First Corinthians chapter seven, starting in verse three. Here's what it says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband, and in the same way the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to the wife." And in this moment most of the women are saying, who wants authority over his body? You married him. Alright, verse five, "Do not deprive each other, except perhaps, by mutual consent for a time. So that you may devote yourselves to prayer, then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you, because of your lack of self-control." So ladies, I just gave you an amazing gift, tonight you don't have to say, Hey, I'm too tired. You can simply say, I'm praying, I'm praying, and I think I'm going to pray for the next year. That's kind of my plan right now. Guys, did you catch the last part of the verse? Then come together so that you do not end up tempted. You realize scripture just said exactly what we just said to each other. That when this isn't working in the relationship, you put him, primarily, in a really, really vulnerable spot. Which simply means you don't want this to be not working.
Linn Winters: 30:44 It's interesting because the majority of time when I talk to women about, "Hey, you know, how's the sex life and stuff?
Linn Winters: 30:49 And they go, "You know, it's not so great."
Linn Winters: 30:50 And I go, "Well, why? Why is it that way?"
Linn Winters: 30:52 And more often than not, the women will say this to me, "Because I'm exhausted. It's not that I don't love my husband, and it's not that I'm not attracted to my husband, I just have so much to do. I mean I just go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go. And then it comes to you know, and then he's going, hey, how about... And I'm like, oh, you kidding me, I'm exhausted."
Linn Winters: 31:22 Ladies, how powerful would it be? How powerful would it be if you consciously and purposely decided to save some of your energy for him? Just remember last week when I said to him, hey, stop talking, so that you save words for her. Because you know when you come home she's going to want to engage with you. What an amazing gift, that you would save those words for her? And wouldn't it be equally loving for you just to go, you know what? The dishwasher will still be there tomorrow, the rugs can be vacuumed on Tuesday, but I'm going to consciously and purposely save some of my energy. Because I know what my husband's going to hope tonight, and in love I'm going to save some energy for him.
Linn Winters: 32:11 Let me tell you a story. So if you've been around here any length of time at all, you know that Pastor George was my mentor. He had this amazing wife by the name of Novella. And one day I'm sitting in their living room, and we were having this conversation. And what you do need to know is, that by the time we were having this conversation, they're pushing their seventies. So I'm about to create a mental image in your mind that you're going to have a hard time forgetting. Okay? But it's worth it. So we were there, we were sitting there talking. And Novella, and here's the other part you need to hear, I don't know that I've ever seen a man who loved a woman more, or a woman who loved a man more. I mean at the end of Novella's life, she was completely blind, she had to get dialysis. George spent the last three or four years taking care of her in ways that nobody wants to take care of. And when she died, I watched this man weep for months. And here's what he said, if I could have one more day with Novella. And I thought to myself one more day wiping things you shouldn't wipe, picking up things you shouldn't pick up. Yes Linn, if I could have one more day with my sweet Novella. Okay. So that's the context. So here we are, we're sitting in the living room, we're talking, and Novella is telling the story. She tells of how right after they had gotten married, that she was working full time to put George through seminary. So she's working full time as a architects apprentice, and he is going to seminary, but he's got horrible dyslexia so he can't read. So he would come home, and she would literally have to read every one of his textbooks to him. So think about that. She's working full time as an architect's assistant, she's reading all of his textbooks to him, and then all the stuff of house is still there to be done and all this stuff. So one day George's mom comes for a visit and George's mom begins to complain and say, I just can't believe that you don't Iron George's shirts, they're all wrinkled. Why would you let your husband go outside looking like that? Get me an ironing board. And so now here she is ironing, and finally Novella had had enough. And here's what she said to her mother-in-law, I do other things for George, and he likes that a lot more than his shirts ironed. I immediately said to myself, no wonder that man has wrinkled shirts. But do you know the second thing I said, what a lucky man. Because I guarantee you ladies, here's what you need to hear, my guess is there's not a man in this room who wouldn't trade wrinkled shirts for you to save some time and energy for him. It would be God's gift to him. Men, you can pay me afterwards.
Linn Winters: 35:03 All right, last one, real quick. Respect him in how he gets input, how he receives input in his life. Ladies, here's what you need to understand. The way you talk to other women freaks us out. We are terrified because here's what we learned. Oh, this is what you should do. Oh, this is how you should make that cake. Here's how you should dress your daughter. Here's how you should decorate your home, unsolicited input all the time. And ladies you need to hear this. If a man did that to another man, we would punch him in the face. That is a horrifying breach of male code. You just don't do that, because here's what you need to hear. When a person says to a man, hey, you should, and you missed it, and you didn't get that done, and you forgot again. Guess what a man hears, because this is man language, right? Not female, this is man language. Guess what a man hears, you're failing me. You have disappointed me once again. And you just need to hear, no words in the world can be more disappointing to a man...and you ladies, you didn't say them, but because you talk lady, that's what he heard. And ladies, here's what you need to get, your words are incredibly powerful. When he stood at the front of the church, and you walked down that aisle that day, He said in his heart, can you be the one person who sees me as competent and capable? And ladies, you need to know that on that day your voice became the loudest human voice in his heart, and when you say words that he hears as criticism and critique, he is deeply wounded. Matter of fact, men have a word for a woman who criticizes, criticizes, criticizes, criticizes. We call her a...boy, the men got that really quick. Isn't that interesting?
Linn Winters: 37:37 Matter of fact, scripture says this, you ready? Scripture says, "Better to live on the roof of your home, than inside the house with a complaining woman." Now ladies are going, well, that's not fair because a man wrote that verse. My point, exactly. And you just need to know that your words are either pushing him to the roof, or you're inviting him into the home. Your words will take him a direction. And I know the passage said a complaining, or a nag or an argumentative woman. But think about this ladies, I guarantee you the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of your arguments have been in moments when he felt you were criticizing him.
Linn Winters: 38:25 So, here's what you need to know. You can give him input, you just have to give him input in the way that a man hears input. Okay? So let me give you two things to do real quick. Number one, if he does anything right, even if it's by accident, give him praise. Give him praise. Just go man, you know what? Thank you. I know you didn't want to go to church today, but you did, thank you. Ladies, here's the fear. If I tell him thank you, and how great he was, he'll stop. And I'm just telling you ladies, you don't understand the heart of a man. If a man figures out how to get admiration from his wife, he will do it over and over and over again, it's how he's wired. And so if he does anything that you can find, anything. Man, when you talk to the children about life, I just feel so blessed to be your wife. And I'm just telling you, you're directing his heart. To say, hey, this is what causes me to be thrilled with you. And it's powerful in the life of a man. If he accidentally does it, praise it.
Linn Winters: 39:31 Second thing, it's okay to call him to a higher calling, it's okay to ask him to man up. Think about this in man culture. We go in at halftime, and the coach goes in, and goes you bunch of sissy's, come on and get out there and knock some heads. Men will look at each other and they'll say, dude, be a man be a man. And it's okay to call us to a higher calling, not to go, oh, you're a failure. Call us to a higher calling. Let me tell you how Lisa does this in my life. Over and over again there would be moments in which Lisa would come to me and she'd say, "Hey Linn, you need to go talk to Joshua."
Linn Winters: 40:10 And I go, "Ah, he's fine. He's doing all right."
Linn Winters: 40:13 And Lisa would say, "Linn, no he's not." Your son's in the other room, and he's hurting right now. And there are things that you can say to him as a father, that if I say to them as a mother, won't count as much."
Linn Winters: 40:29 And I'm telling you, my wife's calling me, calling me, to be a better father. Okay? Okay. And you can do that. But ladies, here's what you just need to know. You are either winning his heart, you're inviting him off the roof. Or you're sending him to the roof with your words. So here's my question. In the last seven days, have you called him, have you sent him?
Linn Winters: 40:57 Here's my challenge, ready ladies? Here's my challenge. What if in the car ride home today you turned to your husband and said, hey, of the three things Linn talked about, which one of those three things, if I began to really, really focus on would most deeply touch your heart? And let him just say it. Ironically, you'd be having a conversation. But you also might hear what the most powerful thing you could do with the heart of your husband to invite him in.
Linn Winters: 41:31 Let's pray. Hey, dear Lord Jesus. We're just going to say out loud, this stuff's a little bit scary. It pushes us, and nudges us, in ways that feel a little bit uncomfortable. God, we're committed. We're committed to our marriages looking different than the marriages of this world, and so we're even willing to push past some of our hesitations. God, I'm going to ask for a thousand amazing conversations on the way home today, and I'm going to ask for a thousand wives who win the hearts of their husband with respect. And this I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Recorded in Chandler, Arizona.
Linn Winters: 01:40 Today we're going to switch roles and we're going to talk about what it takes to fill the heart of a man. And here's what's interesting, your job description is going to be different, he's not even going to ask you to love your husband. Matter of fact, as I go through scripture, I don't know that I can find a single verse that says to the women, love your husbands. Now, some of you wives are going whew, glad that's off the table. You know what? Here's what I think it is, God already knew how he built you. He knew that you would naturally and intuitively bring your heart to the relationship, that he didn't have to push you for that because you were going to do that of your own accord. But what he's going to say today may surprise you. Matter of fact, there's a really good chance when you see it, you're going to say two things. Hey, that's kind of hard, and it seems unnecessary. I think we could have a great relationship, and I never do that. And ladies, here's what you need to hear. In the same way that God built you, he built him. And God knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what it is that will get to his heart. That will transform your relationship, that will make him come alive, and engage more deeply within this relationship. And he is giving you unthinkable wisdom in this moment to say, ladies, if you do nothing else right, do this for your man. Because it will transform him, it will change him, because of how I built him.
Linn Winters: 03:11 Okay, so here we go. Ephesians chapter five. If you're not familiar, just go to the back of your Bible, work to the left. You're going to find this book of Ephesians, Ephesians chapter five. We're going to start in verse 21 again. Now here's what I just need to say out loud. Ephesians chapter five assumes that the relationship is reasonably healthy. Okay? It just assumes that, and I'm not saying perfect, I'm not saying it doesn't have problems, and you know a bunch of barriers maybe to work on. But it's basically saying, hey, this is a viable relationship. What it does not include is physical abuse, and I'm just going to say to every lady in this room, if you're in a relationship with a man and he is physically abusing you, run away, run away, run away today. Just leave, that has no place, that is such a deep violation of how a man is to respond to a woman. That it is absolutely unthinkable, and has no place in a relationship between a man and a woman. Period. And ladies, I'm just telling you, leave the joker. If you were my daughter, if you were my daughter, I would be calling the police, and I'd get the sucker arrested. Because physical abuse has no place in a relationship between a man and a woman. Men, God built you physically stronger. And you just need to know that God gave you that physical strength not to ever, ready? Not to ever leverage against her. Your physical strength was given to bless her, that you would protect and care for her with that strength, and never, never, never, never, never, never, never use it against her. Okay? So all that said, just enough heaviness with that, this passage assumes that that's not going on. That this is a reasonably healthy relationship between a man and a woman. Okay?
Linn Winters: 05:16 Here we go ladies, here's what's going to happen. God's going to give you a job description. Yours is twice as complex as his. Remember his had love the girl, love the girl, love the girl. That's because men can only do one thing at a time, you can multitask, and so God's going to give you two things. And ladies, I'm just going to say it out loud. What he is going to say is going to stretch us. It's going to stretch us. Lean in, Lean it. Remember we said we wanted a biblical marriage? Lean in. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Ephesians chapter five, starting in verse 21, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." That's where we started first week. We said, look, this thing is about me taking my expectations, submitting them, and saying they're less important than my spouse. It's her taking her expectations and saying look, I'm going to submit my expectations, because they're less important than me loving my spouse. And that we're going to mutually submit in that moment. Here we go ladies, verse 22, "Wives... Next word, [inaudible] Did you hear how painful that was? Right? Let me tell you why. Because in today's culture, most of our women have never seen a relationship in which a man lives in honor and love toward his wife, that he leads by caring for and devoting himself to her blessing. And because she's never seen that, and instead in contrast, she's seen men that were overbearing, she's seen men that acted in moments of deep and profound selfishness, this idea terrifies her heart.
Linn Winters: 07:11 And men, I'm just going to say to you that one of the most powerful things you could do is to begin to engage today, and to begin to lead in your home in a way that calms her heart. That she just goes, wow, that guy leverages that relationship, he leverages that role in our marriage, he leverages it for me. He leverages it to thrill my heart, and to bless our children. And I'm just saying to you, I don't know about any other woman in the world, but I could follow the man that I made my husband. Ready for this? That would be a profound gift to her if you would be that man, and take that fear away. Okay, back to the passage, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should...[inaudible]" Okay, so we lost a little of the fear. Okay, alright, here we go, "Should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. To make her holy and cleansing, by the washing with water, through the word. To present to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife, loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but they feed and they care for their body just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason, a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I'm talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must (next word) respect her husband." Okay, two words in the job description, ladies. First one said, hey, submit, and we already talked about, Linn, this a terrifying proposition. And so here's what you need to hear me say. We're done talking about that word today. We're not even going to go after it. Okay, we're going to go after the second word in the conversation. But here's what you need to hear me say, you just put this on the back shelf. Until this becomes true in your relationship, you will never experience the type of marriage, the type of home that God built. You'll never have that full joy in it, it just won't happen.
Linn Winters: 09:53 It's interesting because we're in a culture right now, and because this is so fear based, the conversation that's happening right now is hey, let's be co-leaders. Let's kind of get together, and we'll just kind of co-equally kind of, you know, consider and do and we'll come to some sort of a mutual agreement. Really sounds good on paper, it is horrifyingly bad in real life. Let me give an example. Ladies, even if you don't like sports, you'll get this. That is like a football team that puts two quarterbacks in the huddle at the same time. You realize that the very decision, I mean that is such a bad decision, you have never seen a team even attempt it. Because all you're doing is setting up for two people to argue over what the next play is going to be. You literally are going to take the amount of disagreement in that relationship from here to here, because of the structure you've taken. Second thing is this, you're going to get to conversations and disagreements that simply becomes exasperating. No one can make a decision, no one can see a way forward. And so you're going to take that argument, put it on a shelf, and some of the most important decisions in your marriage will never be resolved because every time you take it off the shelf and start discussing it again, it brings up so much anger that all it does is divide. It is a horrible way. And guys, I'm just telling you, if you have any doubt about what I'm saying to you, watch your friends, watch your neighbors who try to co-lead in their home. And I am telling you if 50 percent divorce rates don't terrify you, what happens with your friends will. It's a lousy way to do a relationship. Okay, so we're done. Okay? That's on the shelf. That's not even where we're going to go today.
Linn Winters: 11:48 Ladies, here's where we're going to go. We're going to talk about this idea of bringing respect to your husband. And here's what you need to know. This is not about that he has earned it. I get it. I get it. Maybe he hasn't. This is positional respect. This is simply saying, hey, because your my husband, there is a certain level of respect that I am going to give you because of the position. Because the position requires a certain amount of respect. This is the same thing we do with our kids and their teachers. See, we don't say to them, hey, let me go interview your teacher and decide if you're going to obey or not. Right? We say, Hey, that's your teacher. It's what we do when a police officer pulls us over. When's the last time a police officer pulled you over and you said, hey, before you write me a ticket, I need to interview you, and see if your respect worthy or not. Have you ever sped? Because then you'd be a hypocrite, right? The position, the position, this is what we're supposed to do with presidents, whether we like them or not. The position.
Linn Winters: 12:56 Right now we're doing a big thing. We're all remembering a guy by the name of John McCain. And I'm just going to say to you this man, this man was not perfect. He had lots of flaws, but he had one really, really outstanding moment. I don't know if you remember John McCain ran against President Obama for his first term, remember that? And it was contentious. I mean, I'm telling you, there was an angst going on in that election, and they were lobbing bombs at each other all the way through it. And then came the night when Obama won, and the news media flocked to John McCain to say, okay, John, what do you think about the fact that Obama won and was elected president and you weren't? And they were setting him up to just blast Obama in that moment, and here's what John McCain said. He is my president. He's my president. He understood positional authority, that even though he violently disagreed with the man, he deserved a certain modicum of respect simply because of the position. And ladies, that's what we're going to ask you. See, we're going to ask you to give respect, not because he's earned it. If he earns it all the better. If he earns it, man, how cool is that? But to give him a certain level of respect because he's your husband. And ladies, here's what you need to hear me say, this is the quickest, most direct way to his heart. This is the thing that is going to fill him up, and cause him to engage in your relationship like nothing else that you can possibly do, is when you offer him respect. Let me give you a clue. When men and women fight, over and over again you'll hear the wife say, or you'll hear the woman say, that thing you did when you forgot that we had a date, when you came home late, when you said that to me, it was horribly unloving. That's what she'll say. When a man is in the same argument, he will say to her, hey, I'm just asking for some respect. And guys, here's what you need to get in the moment, God so understood how he wired a man and how he wired a woman, that that's why he created these job descriptions. And ladies, I'm just telling you ladies, there is nothing that you can do that is more powerful than what we're about to talk about right now. Okay? Alright. Let's talk about three ways that you can offer him respect that will absolutely, you ready for this, make you God's gift to his heart.
Linn Winters: 15:32 Okay? Way number one. You need to respect the fact that he bonds differently than you bond. Remember ladies we talked last week about the fact that, hey, women bond over conversation. This is where their hearts get all wrapped up together with each other. Men do not bond over conversation. Men bond, you ready, side-by-side. Men bond by doing things together. That's how they connect. It's why you can have a guy who was on a sports team in high school, and it's been 15 years, and he can't remember the name of your neighbor, but he can remember the names of every guy on that team. Why? Because they did something together. It's why you'll have a veteran who fought in a war 40 years ago, and when he begins to talk about the guys he was in war with, tears begin to go down his cheeks and he will tell you that they were the best friends he ever had. Why? Because they had long conversations in the foxhole? Because they did something side by side together. And ladies, I'm just telling you need to hear this, he does not bond talking to you, he bonds by doing things with you. It is how men bond. I'm 13 years old, and my uncle would take me hunting at 13. It was my first deer hunt, big deal, and as we were packing up the truck to get ready to go. I started noticing they were putting some of Aunt Peggy's stuff in the truck. I'm like, Aunt Peggy can't be going, girls don't hunt. Right? And yet here it was, and so sure enough we got in the truck, got ready to leave, Aunt Peggy's sitting right there in the front seat going out with us. We got up there, we're all setting everything up, she ended up cooking us meal that night. She sat, you ready for this? She sat around the campfire with all the guys, and we were all talking, and she was talking. Got up the next morning, went on a hunt, Aunt Peggy didn't go hunt with us. Matter of fact, she hung around the campsite with one of the other gals who'd come along on the trip. We got back from hunting, there was dinner sitting there waiting for us. And we sat down drinking hot chocolate and coffee, and talking about the hunt of the day, and Aunt Peggy's right in the middle of the whole thing. And it occurred to me, Aunt Peggy didn't come to hunt, she probably doesn't even like hunting. So why is she here? Because her man is here, and one of the most powerful ways that a woman bonds with a man is by doing things with him. And I remember as a 13 year old boy when that moment hit me, and I said to myself, someday I'm going to marry a woman like Aunt Peggy. Because, because, because, ladies hear this, men bond by doing. So find a way to be around him when he's doing. Go golfing with him. I know, I know. I know, you're like, I don't even like golfing. Drive the cart. Ladies think about this, if you drive the cart while he's golfing, you will have him hostage for four hours, four hours, when are you going to get that opportunity again. And just ready, ready, ready, ready? He might accidentally talk. Both of you win. Okay, ladies, if he's a mechanic, if he is a mechanic, go out in the garage, sit on a stool, read a book. Every once in a while he's going to grunt, can you hand me a wrench? And you're going to go get it, you'll say is it this one? But just accidentally, somewhere in there, he might say, hey, how do you think our kids are doing?
Linn Winters: 19:18 Men bond over doing things, respect and understand that's how he gives his heart. But ladies, here's a little clue. The thing you choose, whatever you choose to do with him, it probably does not involve shopping. That's your thing, that's probably not his thing. Okay, But how powerful, how powerful would it be, that you respect this way that God has wired him. And in the next 39 days, because that's all we've got left right now, that you found at least two times to go be engaged about what he does. To be there, and be present, and to do with him. I wonder what that would do to his heart? Because men, you ready for this? Men bond side by side.
Linn Winters: 20:06 Number two, respect that he thinks about sex totally different than how you think about sex. Ladies have you figured that out yet? How many of you, this is just like a mystery, like really? He thinks about sex differently than I think about sex. Yes. Yes. He thinks about sex totally different then you think about sex. Let me see if I can explain this to you. Ladies when you come to sex. Okay. You come there primarily...two l's? I went to seminary, not to spelling school. Yes. Okay. Alright. You come there primarily emotionally. Your experience is primarily driven on, you know what, man, our relationship is great. I just feel deeply loved, I feel deeply connected with this man, and therefore being with him physically just feels like a natural expression of what's happening emotionally in my life right now. And I just want to show him how much I love him, because of the emotions I'm experiencing in this moment. You realize he's completely different than this, that with men, sex is primarily physical. You went, I knew it, dirty dog. Ladies, this is how God built him. His body has tons and tons of testosterone flowing through his body. This is a physical response to how God created him. Can I just say that when I said that in one of the earlier services, there was a man right there that went, Amen. So it just is. And so here's what happens, ladies, I'm not saying that there's not a physical component in sex for you. I'm just saying that for you it's 80 percent emotion and it's 20 percent physical. He is just the opposite. For him it's 20 percent emotional and it's 80 percent physical. Single girls, this is why God says wait till marriage. Because when that boyfriend is pressuring you and saying, hey, if you love me, I just want to connect. And it is not what you think it is, and his heart will not go where you think his heart will go. He's more interested in your body than he is your heart. It's why, you ready. it's why God says, don't sleep with your boyfriend, don't live together before marriage, because this is how he's built. He can't help it. Here's another thing you need to hear ladies, because this is legitimately physical, it creates in him a desire, a physical desire, that the best way I can describe it is like hunger, hunger. See, she's in the relationship, and things aren't going well emotionally, and she goes, well, you we don't need to have sex. I mean, why would we celebrate that? You can have a lousy relationship, and he's going do you want to have sex? Because it's a physical hunger. It's interesting. Every once in a while you'll hear a woman and she'll say, all he wants to do is have sex. But if you realize that this is a physical hunger with him, you'd never say to someone, hey, the only reason you want to eat because you're hungry. I need you to understand that this isn't different. Now, here's the marvelous, you want to get something that's amazing. When a man commits, when a man commits, okay? It literally changes him. When he says, are you ready for this? I choose you to the exclusion of all others. I'm not going to look at porn. I'm going to be faithful to you. I'm not going to go chase other women. When he does that with his heart, he is literally changed, and this becomes 50/50. That's why God said you wait until marriage ladies. You wait till that commitment changes how he approaches this. Okay?
Linn Winters: 25:14 Now let me give you two things, ladies, that every man wish you knew about his sexuality. Okay? Two things that every husband is afraid to say out loud to you, but he wishes I would. Okay, so here we go. Number one, is this, when your husband is moving towards you physically, when he's saying, hey, hey, hey... you need to know that because of this change, he is bringing his heart also. He is. It's no longer 20/80, it's 50/50 in his heart. Because in the heart of a man pursuing you physically, is pursuing you. Do you remember last week when I said to the men, hey men, when you refuse to engage with your woman in conversation, when you say, no, I'm too tired, or I'm too busy to talk to you, and you turn her down for a conversation. It feels to her, the same way it feels to you, when you say, hey babe, and she says, no, not tonight I'm too tired. And the same wound that you feel when she turns you down, is the wound she feels when you turn her down for a conversation. And here's what you need to know ladies, when I said that to your men, they understood. Because every one of them has felt what it was like to be on the other end of coming to engage with my wife and bringing my heart, and have her say no. And he wishes you knew that, that moment makes him sad, because it wasn't just physical.
Linn Winters: 27:03 Second thing, second thing is this, that when the physical is not working in your relationship, when you're not having sex on a fairly routine and regular basis, whatever that is. But when you're not doing that, you need to know that it makes him incredibly vulnerable, because remember, he's physically driven. So when you're not having sex, and the woman says, well, of course we're not having sex, because I don't feel emotionally engaged. And I mean, so he probably doesn't really care. Yes he does, and when you're not having sex, it makes him highly vulnerable. Suddenly porn looks a heck of a lot more attractive to him, suddenly that good looking woman who's not wearing much in home depot goes walking by and his eyes linger longer. And ladies look, I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, and I'm not saying that to putting any blame. I'm saying that so that you go oh...when we stop interacting physically, when we're not having sex in our relationship, this is a big deal. Even though it may not hit me as a big, it's a big deal, and we better sort out our relationship and get this back on track. Because it places him in a vulnerable spot. Did you know that the Bible actually encourages married couples to have lots of sex? All the men are going, amen. Where is that verse? All right, I'll show you, here we go. The men are all going this is the best church service ever. I'm so glad, I'm going to tell all my friends, they should've come to church on Labor Day. First Corinthians, First Corinthians, Chapter Seven. If you didn't close your Bible is going to be a little bit to the left. If you closed your Bible, shame on you. No, I'm teasing. Just go to the back, start working to left. First Corinthians Chapter Seven. First Corinthians chapter seven, starting in verse three. Here's what it says, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband, and in the same way the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to the wife." And in this moment most of the women are saying, who wants authority over his body? You married him. Alright, verse five, "Do not deprive each other, except perhaps, by mutual consent for a time. So that you may devote yourselves to prayer, then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you, because of your lack of self-control." So ladies, I just gave you an amazing gift, tonight you don't have to say, Hey, I'm too tired. You can simply say, I'm praying, I'm praying, and I think I'm going to pray for the next year. That's kind of my plan right now. Guys, did you catch the last part of the verse? Then come together so that you do not end up tempted. You realize scripture just said exactly what we just said to each other. That when this isn't working in the relationship, you put him, primarily, in a really, really vulnerable spot. Which simply means you don't want this to be not working.
Linn Winters: 30:44 It's interesting because the majority of time when I talk to women about, "Hey, you know, how's the sex life and stuff?
Linn Winters: 30:49 And they go, "You know, it's not so great."
Linn Winters: 30:50 And I go, "Well, why? Why is it that way?"
Linn Winters: 30:52 And more often than not, the women will say this to me, "Because I'm exhausted. It's not that I don't love my husband, and it's not that I'm not attracted to my husband, I just have so much to do. I mean I just go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go. And then it comes to you know, and then he's going, hey, how about... And I'm like, oh, you kidding me, I'm exhausted."
Linn Winters: 31:22 Ladies, how powerful would it be? How powerful would it be if you consciously and purposely decided to save some of your energy for him? Just remember last week when I said to him, hey, stop talking, so that you save words for her. Because you know when you come home she's going to want to engage with you. What an amazing gift, that you would save those words for her? And wouldn't it be equally loving for you just to go, you know what? The dishwasher will still be there tomorrow, the rugs can be vacuumed on Tuesday, but I'm going to consciously and purposely save some of my energy. Because I know what my husband's going to hope tonight, and in love I'm going to save some energy for him.
Linn Winters: 32:11 Let me tell you a story. So if you've been around here any length of time at all, you know that Pastor George was my mentor. He had this amazing wife by the name of Novella. And one day I'm sitting in their living room, and we were having this conversation. And what you do need to know is, that by the time we were having this conversation, they're pushing their seventies. So I'm about to create a mental image in your mind that you're going to have a hard time forgetting. Okay? But it's worth it. So we were there, we were sitting there talking. And Novella, and here's the other part you need to hear, I don't know that I've ever seen a man who loved a woman more, or a woman who loved a man more. I mean at the end of Novella's life, she was completely blind, she had to get dialysis. George spent the last three or four years taking care of her in ways that nobody wants to take care of. And when she died, I watched this man weep for months. And here's what he said, if I could have one more day with Novella. And I thought to myself one more day wiping things you shouldn't wipe, picking up things you shouldn't pick up. Yes Linn, if I could have one more day with my sweet Novella. Okay. So that's the context. So here we are, we're sitting in the living room, we're talking, and Novella is telling the story. She tells of how right after they had gotten married, that she was working full time to put George through seminary. So she's working full time as a architects apprentice, and he is going to seminary, but he's got horrible dyslexia so he can't read. So he would come home, and she would literally have to read every one of his textbooks to him. So think about that. She's working full time as an architect's assistant, she's reading all of his textbooks to him, and then all the stuff of house is still there to be done and all this stuff. So one day George's mom comes for a visit and George's mom begins to complain and say, I just can't believe that you don't Iron George's shirts, they're all wrinkled. Why would you let your husband go outside looking like that? Get me an ironing board. And so now here she is ironing, and finally Novella had had enough. And here's what she said to her mother-in-law, I do other things for George, and he likes that a lot more than his shirts ironed. I immediately said to myself, no wonder that man has wrinkled shirts. But do you know the second thing I said, what a lucky man. Because I guarantee you ladies, here's what you need to hear, my guess is there's not a man in this room who wouldn't trade wrinkled shirts for you to save some time and energy for him. It would be God's gift to him. Men, you can pay me afterwards.
Linn Winters: 35:03 All right, last one, real quick. Respect him in how he gets input, how he receives input in his life. Ladies, here's what you need to understand. The way you talk to other women freaks us out. We are terrified because here's what we learned. Oh, this is what you should do. Oh, this is how you should make that cake. Here's how you should dress your daughter. Here's how you should decorate your home, unsolicited input all the time. And ladies you need to hear this. If a man did that to another man, we would punch him in the face. That is a horrifying breach of male code. You just don't do that, because here's what you need to hear. When a person says to a man, hey, you should, and you missed it, and you didn't get that done, and you forgot again. Guess what a man hears, because this is man language, right? Not female, this is man language. Guess what a man hears, you're failing me. You have disappointed me once again. And you just need to hear, no words in the world can be more disappointing to a man...and you ladies, you didn't say them, but because you talk lady, that's what he heard. And ladies, here's what you need to get, your words are incredibly powerful. When he stood at the front of the church, and you walked down that aisle that day, He said in his heart, can you be the one person who sees me as competent and capable? And ladies, you need to know that on that day your voice became the loudest human voice in his heart, and when you say words that he hears as criticism and critique, he is deeply wounded. Matter of fact, men have a word for a woman who criticizes, criticizes, criticizes, criticizes. We call her a...boy, the men got that really quick. Isn't that interesting?
Linn Winters: 37:37 Matter of fact, scripture says this, you ready? Scripture says, "Better to live on the roof of your home, than inside the house with a complaining woman." Now ladies are going, well, that's not fair because a man wrote that verse. My point, exactly. And you just need to know that your words are either pushing him to the roof, or you're inviting him into the home. Your words will take him a direction. And I know the passage said a complaining, or a nag or an argumentative woman. But think about this ladies, I guarantee you the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of your arguments have been in moments when he felt you were criticizing him.
Linn Winters: 38:25 So, here's what you need to know. You can give him input, you just have to give him input in the way that a man hears input. Okay? So let me give you two things to do real quick. Number one, if he does anything right, even if it's by accident, give him praise. Give him praise. Just go man, you know what? Thank you. I know you didn't want to go to church today, but you did, thank you. Ladies, here's the fear. If I tell him thank you, and how great he was, he'll stop. And I'm just telling you ladies, you don't understand the heart of a man. If a man figures out how to get admiration from his wife, he will do it over and over and over again, it's how he's wired. And so if he does anything that you can find, anything. Man, when you talk to the children about life, I just feel so blessed to be your wife. And I'm just telling you, you're directing his heart. To say, hey, this is what causes me to be thrilled with you. And it's powerful in the life of a man. If he accidentally does it, praise it.
Linn Winters: 39:31 Second thing, it's okay to call him to a higher calling, it's okay to ask him to man up. Think about this in man culture. We go in at halftime, and the coach goes in, and goes you bunch of sissy's, come on and get out there and knock some heads. Men will look at each other and they'll say, dude, be a man be a man. And it's okay to call us to a higher calling, not to go, oh, you're a failure. Call us to a higher calling. Let me tell you how Lisa does this in my life. Over and over again there would be moments in which Lisa would come to me and she'd say, "Hey Linn, you need to go talk to Joshua."
Linn Winters: 40:10 And I go, "Ah, he's fine. He's doing all right."
Linn Winters: 40:13 And Lisa would say, "Linn, no he's not." Your son's in the other room, and he's hurting right now. And there are things that you can say to him as a father, that if I say to them as a mother, won't count as much."
Linn Winters: 40:29 And I'm telling you, my wife's calling me, calling me, to be a better father. Okay? Okay. And you can do that. But ladies, here's what you just need to know. You are either winning his heart, you're inviting him off the roof. Or you're sending him to the roof with your words. So here's my question. In the last seven days, have you called him, have you sent him?
Linn Winters: 40:57 Here's my challenge, ready ladies? Here's my challenge. What if in the car ride home today you turned to your husband and said, hey, of the three things Linn talked about, which one of those three things, if I began to really, really focus on would most deeply touch your heart? And let him just say it. Ironically, you'd be having a conversation. But you also might hear what the most powerful thing you could do with the heart of your husband to invite him in.
Linn Winters: 41:31 Let's pray. Hey, dear Lord Jesus. We're just going to say out loud, this stuff's a little bit scary. It pushes us, and nudges us, in ways that feel a little bit uncomfortable. God, we're committed. We're committed to our marriages looking different than the marriages of this world, and so we're even willing to push past some of our hesitations. God, I'm going to ask for a thousand amazing conversations on the way home today, and I'm going to ask for a thousand wives who win the hearts of their husband with respect. And this I pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Recorded in Chandler, Arizona.
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