Love Languages
Have you wondered what your spouse's love language is?
Linn Winters
Sep 16, 2018 43m
This sermon is based on the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. Pastor Linn Winters discusses each of the five love languages, and challenges his congregation to think of the people in their life who may fit each type. He then finds biblical stories that fits each specific language. It ends with him hypothesizing on what God's love languages may be. Video recorded at Chandler, Arizona.
TranscriptionmessageRegarding Grammar:
This is a transcription of the sermon. People speak differently than they write, and there are common colloquialisms in this transcript that sound good when spoken, and look like bad grammar when written.
This is a transcription of the sermon. People speak differently than they write, and there are common colloquialisms in this transcript that sound good when spoken, and look like bad grammar when written.
Linn Winters: 00:17 Hey cornerstone. How you guys doing? So week six in our series on relationships. It's been primarily a focus on marriage. So today, as we're wrapping up, this is kind of like graduation. You guys have made it, you've survived to the other side. If you remember, we made a commitment, said, hey, we're going to be in this for 60 days. So it's kind of like now you're going to start your internship. Because you got like three more weeks, in which we're just asking you, hey, would you live this out, would you continue to lean into having a biblical marriage? And just see at the end of those 60 days where God has taken your home, where God has taken your relationship. Truth be told, the last few weeks we've done a lot of heavy lifting. We've pushed into topics that were uncomfortable. We asked you to do some things that boy you thought, man, there's a lot involved in that. There's a lot of effort in that.
Linn Winters: 01:22 And today we're just going to shift gears a little bit. We're going to something that's maybe just a little bit more lighthearted, but hugely practical. Hopefully highly, highly effective in helping you in not just your marriage relationship, in every single relationship, in relationship with your kids, in relationships with family members, in relationships with coworkers. We're going to talk about the five love languages. How many are familiar with the Bible? All right, so some of us are familiar, we know that you may even be practicing it, you may have forgotten about it. Some of us, this is just going to be brand new information. So here's the deal, here's where five love languages comes from. So there was a book written years ago, by a guy by the name of Gary Chapman, that just took the world by storm number one bestseller. Gary Chapman's a Christian, and he wrote this book from a Christian perspective. Now what you need to know is, you're not going to find five love languages in the Bible. There's not a verse that says, thus are the five love languages. It's just, it's not there. But what you are going to find is example after example after example in scripture, where you and I are challenged to kind of live these out, and we really believe he tapped into something that has a lot of value and a lot of help.
Linn Winters: 02:36 Let me give you the premise. The premise is simply this, that every one of us has a way in which we receive, and acknowledged that we're being loved. Our love language. The problem is, we don't all speak the same love language. We come from different families of origin. You've got things about your personality, just the way that God has wired you, and your love language may be different than the love language of your spouse, or of somebody in your life, your children. And so you could be speaking love to them, and they would not be receiving it. They wouldn't be hearing it, because they're not fluent in your love language yet. Let me see if this helps, couple of years back I was over in Kenya. I was at Huruma Children's Home, Mama Zipporah. If you've been around at all, you know that we are highly invested there. I hadn't been there in a year or two, and so I showed up, I got to the compound, and a couple of the teenagers came walking up to me and the first thing, other mouths, you ready, Papa, you're fat. Now after I throat punch them for being disrespectful. No I didn't, but you can imagine the next moment or two was kind of awkward, yeah, you know I have put on a little bit of weight. But can I tell you that it bothered me for the next several days, matter of fact, I found myself walking around sucking in my stomach. About four days later I went up to one of my other Kenyan friends and I said, hey, just so you know, and probably you'd want to tell the kids, hey, it's not a great idea to walk up to an American and tell them they're fat. And my Kenyan friend laughed at me. He said, Papa, that was a compliment, when you're in Kenya and food is hard to come by, and you're wondering about every single meal, they were saying, hey, you look healthy, you look vibrant. Matter of fact, the blessing of God is probably on you, because you've had plenty to eat and you're probably being highly successful. If you can afford more food than you need, then you must be wonderfully successful. And he said, Papa, that's a compliment. Now, here's the interesting thing, even after he told me that was a compliment...right? Because if that's not your language, if that's not your culture, it's hard to receive.
Linn Winters: 05:05 And if it was hard for me to receive a compliment in a language and a culture that I wasn't used to, is it possible that the same thing happens with love languages? That if someone speaks to you in a love language that isn't your fluent native tongue, if that's not how you receive love, that you wouldn't even understand what they were saying. Which means it's possible, ready for this? It's possible that you have been saying to your spouse, I love you. I love you, I love you, and they haven't caught it, because you're not speaking in their love language. Let me give you something else that may be an interesting thing though, in that home that you grew up in where your parents seemed to just withhold their love from you. Is it possible, I'm just asking, is it possible that they actually were expressing love to you over and over again in their love language. But because it wasn't your love language, you didn't hear it, and you grew up wondering about your parents affection? Is that even possible? Think about this. How important is this conversation for parents? Because what if your children have three different love languages, and you decide to treat them all the same? Then you're going to have one child who probably goes, oh, I feel deeply loved by my parents, but you'll have the other two with different love languages going my parents never showed me true affection.
Linn Winters: 06:31 See this is a powerful conversation, not just for our spouses. This is literally a conversation that has the ability to affect every single relationship you're in coworkers, other family members, anybody, good friends in your life. So we're just going to spend a little while just saying, hey, what are those love languages? We're just going to unpack that together, and then see how we can use that for the glory of God on the deal. Okay? So here's something that we gave you to be helpful. Inside of your weekly, when you came in, there was a card that looks like this, that just says love languages. If you didn't get one, just reach in the seat back there in front of you, we've got some more. And here's what I want to challenge you to do. We're going to go through, and describe each of the five love languages. Would you write the name of somebody that you go, I'll bet you that's their love language. Because when I do that, when I treat them like that, I watch their eyes light up, I watched their chest. I'm just telling you, it's a huge response when I speak that language to them. And if you're married then of course you want to be really, really sensitive to say, okay, I want to get my spouse's love language just right. And then here's the fun. on the way home, turn to your spouse and go, okay, here's the two, or whatever it is, here's the ones I marked for you. Did I get it right? And then ask them, Hey, what did you mark for me? Here's another. Put your children's names down. How incredibly helpful would it be today to leave here and go, I have marked every one of my kids love languages, which means I'm probably going to respond to them differently, because they're different. My best friend, whoever it is.
Linn Winters: 08:07 Okay, so here we go, we're going to do this together. Love language number one. Words of affirmation, words of affirmation. This is my love language. I'm the guy that when I get cards at Christmas or for my birthday, I don't care what the card says, I skip all the way down to the bottom and I look for what they wrote at the bottom. Because those words, those words that come from the sincerity of their heart, and the honesty of their thoughts, those words matter to me. And you know what? I sometimes save Christmas cards, because you ready for this? Because words of affirmation are huge to me. Now here's what you're going to discover as we do this. You're probably to say, hey, I appreciate all five. I know we probably all appreciate all five languages. The question is which ones of them, when they are spoken to you, just absolutely grip your heart and fill up your soul? Which ones evoke just an absolutely powerful response, when somebody treats you that way? And for me, it's words of affirmation. I just can't even tell you how powerful it is to me when someone says, hey man, you changed my life. Thank you for modeling Jesus. And I'm just telling you two, three, four weeks from now, I may play those words back in my mind again, because words of affirmation are such a big deal to me. Words like, I'm proud of you, great job, you are the glue in our family, words of affirmation. There's a passage in the book of Proverbs, I'm not going to make you go there, because I'm going to have you go to a bunch of passages today. Proverbs chapter five, that just talks about the power of words, and what they do for our heart and our lives. It's Proverbs 25:11, let me just read this passage to you. Here's what it says, "The right word, at the right time, is like a custom made piece of jewelry." Now that's an interesting analogy, because you go, well, what are we getting at here? If you had a custom made piece of jewelry, it would probably be the landmark, the statement piece of whatever outfit you had. It'd be the thing you most expected people to take note of and notice. And here's what the scripture is saying, the right word, spoken at the right time, especially ready, especially to somebody whose love language is words of affirmation has the potential to be a landmark, a statement piece, a life changing word of affirmation.
Linn Winters: 11:05 I'm serving at a church in Scottsdale years ago, and let's just say there was moments of real unfairness towards me. We won't go into detail, but just to say there was wrongfulness and hurtfulness, and I was on the wrong end. And so I'm in the process of leaving, the kids in the youth group don't know how to respond to me because they don't know, hey, is Linn abandoning ship? Is he giving up on us? Because I can't tell them the story. Or maybe he is a victim, we don't know. And so it grew strangely silent, because the kids don't know what to say, so they say nothing. The parents were the same way. They had no idea why, why is Linn leaving our kids? Why is he midstream on this thing, and taking off? Did he get better pay somewhere else? So silence. There was one volunteer on my staff who saw the moment and said, here's Linn going through a completely unfair moment in his life, and no one's going to say to him that they appreciate him. No one's going to say thank you to him for his time of service, for his honor, and not exposing the wrong. And he went out, and I guarantee he twisted arms, because those kids didn't feel affectionate at the time, those parents didn't feel thankful in the moment. And he did whatever he had to do to get them to pitch in for me, and they bought me a clock, kind of an ugly clock. You can tell by the dust that I haven't hung it up in a long time, but I've kept it for 30 years. Not for the clock, for what it says on the bottom. And what my friend in that moment said to me, when everybody else was being silent. And here's what it says, Linn, you have been a teacher, a counselor, and a friend. You have shared our victories, and our losses. Thank you for the years you have given to us, and then the name of the church. What does it say to you about words of affirmation, that I still have that clock after 30 years. And can I tell you that the guy who understood enough to write those words down for me, is still one of my best friends? Matter of fact, if you're involved in men's ministry, his name is Brent Richardson. Words of affirmation.
Linn Winters: 14:10 And again, again, we all appreciate words of affirmation. But for some of us, this is our love language. So who do you know? Who do you know, who words of affirmation may be their love language? Write it down on the card, put it there. Let me give you a couple of helpful things for this person. Praise is huge, but here's the deal, they have a monstrous bologna meter. So you can't just say something to say it if you aren't sincere about it. The minute you do that, you will turn them off, they will not want to hear other words from you. They have to be sincere, and they will know the moment you're not. Write a note. There is something about a note that puts it in memoriam, that makes it a monument. And don't be surprised if they take that note, and they put it in a little drawer somewhere. Or they save a Christmas card because, because, because those words mean a lot, and they may just pull them out and look at them again to remind their heart what you said. Compliment them in front of others, find a moment when you're with your friends, you're in public. And say, man, I am just so thankful for my husband, he is so amazing with the kids. I'm just telling you, he will remember those words for years to come, it will fill him up. It will fill her up, if her love language are words of affirmation, okay?
Linn Winters: 15:43 Love language number two. Quality time, quality time. This is simply just saying, hey, I want to be together, I just want to set aside some time for us. I just want us, in the busyness of it all, in the hustle and the bustle of it all, just to know that we're going to be together. It doesn't matter what we're doing, I don't care what we're doing. I care that we are connecting, that we are together. This is my wife Lisa's love language. I didn't understand this. When my love language that I grew up in the home of my origin, was acts of service. So after Lisa and I got married, I would go and mow the lawn for her. I would load the dishwasher for her, and then I'd wait for her to be filled with love. And Lisa would walk in and go, Oh, you mowed the lawn. And I was like God, who is this wench that you have given me? She is so ungrateful for my overtures of love. You Ready? It's a perfect example of what happens when you aren't speaking your spouse's love language. Because Lisa's love language is quality time. Set aside time for me. There's a great passage in scripture that I think kind of jumps in, and pushes this for us. And I want you to go there with me. It's Psalms chapter five. If you're not familiar, if you just open your Bible right to the middle, just put your thumbs and open it up, you're probably going to be in this book of Psalms. Psalms chapter five, it's verse three, and this is King David. And ready for this? Here's what he says about his time. Here we go, Psalms 5:3. "In the morning Lord, you hear my voice. In the morning, I lay my request before you, and I wait expectantly for your response." Don't miss the moment here, think about what King David is saying about his affection for God. He is saying, Hey God, you are such a priority to me, I love you so much that before I do anything else in my day, before all of my kingly responsibilities, before all of my duties come in, I choose to set aside time to meet with you. Think about it. You know darn well that that is absolutely a gesture of affection, and priority for God. It's exactly what it means to those that are in our lives, whose love language is quality time.
Linn Winters: 18:52 Remember I told you this is Lisa's. So early on in our marriage we had a little guest room, and Lisa decided that she wanted to fill it with antiques, so every Saturday morning we would get up, we'd go to a little breakfast somewhere, and then we'd spend the morning hunting for antiques. And an awful lot of Saturdays we didn't find anything to buy. It didn't matter. It was about quality time. Now can I just clue you in for a second? Guess how much I care about antiques? I had zero interest in antiques, but you know what I did have interest in? Filling my wife's heart. And I knew that that little Saturday morning, the idea that as she went through a really rough week, and everything else was going on. She knew Saturday was coming, and that she was going to get quality time, and because that was her love language, it absolutely filled her heart. We finally finished the room, praise God, and the next quality thing became a going golfing together. And here's what you just need to know. Lisa did not go golfing with me because she's an avid golfer, she went golfing with me because it gave us time to be together. More recently I noticed that Lisa would say to me, hey, can we just stop and have dinner now? Here's what you need to know. In my world, in my way of thinking, dinner is what you do to fill your belly. The best way to do dinner, are you ready? Is quickly and cheaply. So when Lisa is suggesting that we stop and go to a restaurant to have dinner, my response was why? It like violates every value about dinner, you have to pay the waitress a tip, it's always more expensive. You could go through Chick-fil-A, and be home in 15 minutes. Why? And then you ready? And then I realized it's not about dinner. Is it possible it's not about dinner, and that you are in a relationship with somebody who it's quality time? And they're like, hey, let's go for a walk. It's not about antiques, it's about quality time. Who do you know, put them down, who you would say, you know what I think? I think maybe this person is quality time. That's what just fills their heart up, it thrills them, they know they're deeply loved when they have quality time. Let me give you a couple of things to help. A date night, Lisa and I for 36 years, every Thursday night, date night. Why do I do that? Because Lisa knows every Thursday night, quality time. Walks, here's the good news, walks are cheap. Walks, they've got quality time written all over them. If this person is quality time, that's their love language. You need to know that vacations are probably monumental to them. We all like vacations, but if it's quality time, vacations are probably off the hook. Why? Because it's a week of quality time. Okay? So just know that. That's why you don't cancel it, that's why you don't change it, do the vacation, okay?
Linn Winters: 22:23 Alright. Number three, third, love language. Receiving gifts, receiving gifts. Now here's what you need to know, this is not a version of gold digging, that's not what this is. Oh, I feel loved when you buy me a Mercedes. That is not what this is, okay? Matter of fact, the vast, vast, vast majority of time when you talk to somebody whose love language is receiving gifts. Here's what they'll say to you, I am absolutely not a materialistic person, it's not the gift, it's the thought. It's the idea that when we weren't together, they thought of me, and then chose to do something, get something for me, that became symbolic of their love for me. That's why the gift matters to me. Interesting, guys, here's the mistake that men make all the time when their wives have a love language of receiving gifts. We think to ourselves, oh, wait a minute, it's been like a long time since I got her anything. Maybe if I get her one really big, expensive thing, it'll make up for 20 times I didn't. Here's the bad news guys, one really expensive gift does not count for 20 misses. One counts for one. You should've just bought her Burger King. Okay? I'm just telling you one counts for one, that's what it is. So you just need to know that, and don't be surprised if they take that little thing, and they put it somewhere on display. Because every time they see it, here's what, ready for this? It reminds them, oh, he loves me, oh, she loves me. Don't be surprised if every time she puts on that bracelet, she smiles, because she goes, oh, he loves me. Okay, it becomes little teeny monuments of love.
Linn Winters: 24:19 There's a really interesting story in scripture that I think really plays this out. Okay, so grab your bibles again, go with me to First Samuel. And if you're not familiar, First Samuel's going to be right toward the front of your Bible, so go there, start working to the right. It's First Samuel chapter 18. Let me set this passage up so it'll make sense. So there's two guys, there's David. Remember David, the guy who kills the giant? And his dear, dear, dear friend Jonathan. Here's the tension of the moment. Jonathan is the prince of Israel. His Dad is a guy by the name of King Saul, and Jonathan is next in line to be king, But Jonathon's dad Saul has misbehaved so badly, that God has said, Saul, you will never pass on your lineage, none of your descendants will be king. I'm going to hand the kingship to David, so think about the rivalry. And now Saul, in response, has said, I'll kill David so that my family can stay in the line, and so his dad has literally been pursuing David to try to kill him. So here comes the question, what happens to the friendship between David and Jonathan? Jonathan's dad hates David, Jonathan is next in line, David's going to be king. What happens to this friendship? And in the midst of the moment, Johnathan says to David, David, you are my brother, I love you as if you were born to my family. And here's the deal David, I know that God has put his hand on you, I know you're going to be the next king. And in that moment he gives him gifts, isn't that interesting? He gives him gifts. So here we go, it's first Samuel Chapter 18:1, "After David had finished talking with Saul. Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. And from that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family, and Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself, and then Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt." Why? Because David needed a new outfit? No, he wanted David, every time he wore that robe, to remember that he had a friend who loved him. That every time he would pick up that sword, it would remind his heart, Jonathan, Jonathan is true to me no matter what. Every time he went hunting with that bow, his heart would fill. I've got a friend, who sticks closer than a brother. It's the power of gift giving, because those little gifts, become monuments, they become testimonies that I am loved.
Linn Winters: 27:36 Okay. Who Do you know? Who Do you know whose love language may be receiving gifts? Write their name down. Let me give you a couple of helpful things. These gifts are best given when there's no reason. See at Christmas you're obligated, at birthday you're obligated, these gifts mean more when they're random, and you just kind of leave it sitting on a counter, they just kind of show up. You come home and say, hey, look what I got for you. That's when they are the most powerful, when they are random. Secondly, go to Mexico by a pile, hand them out every once in a while. Otherwise you're going to be driven crazy, having to go buy gifts all the time. Okay, so just buy a pile, and then bring them out secretly. Okay, so that's help.
Linn Winters: 28:21 Alright, love language number four. Acts of service, acts of service. This is when you and I do something that we're not, ready? Not obligated to do. If you're obligated, that's called a chore, this is acts of service. When you do something for somebody else simply to make their life better, to make their load lighter, and you weren't compelled or required to do it. You might want to call them acts of kindness. It's acts of service. I did this for you, so that your life would be more comfortable and better. It's fixing something around the house. It's cooking a meal, when you don't have to cook the meal. It's vacuuming the floor, and it wasn't your turn to vacuum the floor. It's simply serving the person because you love the person. Grab your bibles again, because there's a passage that just links acts of service with loving. It's Galatians, Galatians chapter five, so go to the back of your Bible, work to the left. Galatians 5:13, here's what it says, "You my brothers and sisters were called to be free, but do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh. Rather serve one another humbly in love." Now this verse is written in the context of the church. It's saying in the church we express love for one another by serving one another. It's why you've got people in there watching your children right now, so you can be in this service, that is an act of love for you. Nobody over there is obligated. They do that as an absolute gesture of love for you, because it's easier for all of us concerned, if your kids aren't in here, okay, so I'm just saying, okay. So it's written in the context of the church, but you realize that applies to every relationship, right? It's moments in which I say, I'm not obligated, I don't owe you this, but I'm going to do this for you to make your load, to make your life better, to ease your life.
Linn Winters: 30:35 I was serving in Yucaipa, southern California, I knew that that move meant I was leaving my mom here, and remember I told you my mom's love language acts of service. That's the culture, that's the home that I grew up in. I knew my mom was here, and I knew that she was by herself, and I knew she was raising two girls. So I made a decision that every single year while I was in southern California, that I would take a week of my vacation. And I didn't have a lot of vacation, and I would come for a week, and I would simply just do anything that she needed around the house. I'd say, mom, look, just write everything you can think of, everything you can think of, write it on the list, I'll get as many done as I can in seven days. I'll come once a year and do that now. Here's guys, guys, guys, guys, here's what you need to hear, I did not do that out of obligation. And you can argue, and maybe I was, maybe I was obligated as a son to do that for my mom. But you just need to know, it never felt like an obligation. The reason I came and did that was the joy of watching my mom fill up as I spoke her love language, and I'm just telling you, you've never seen so much wonder over a door knob tightened, or an arcadia door put back on the track, because her love language is acts of service.
Linn Winters: 32:03 Who do you know, who do you know who potentially their love languages is hey, you changed the diaper? You never thought something as mundane, or as silly, as that would actually be a gesture of love. But if their love language is acts of service, it is. Who Do you know? Write them down. Alright, let me give you some things to help. Listen for requests, listen for, hey, you know that's broken, that needs to be fixed. Because remember the restaurant, when dinner isn't dinner. And this is one of those moments when requests may not be requests, they may be, hey, would you do something that would be an absolutely loving gesture? It'd make my life easier, if you did that. Listen for requests. Secondly, be proactive, asked for a list. Just say, hey look, I probably can't do all those things right now, but if I end up with a little spare time, a little extra something, I just like to know what I could do that would just thrill your heart. So give me a list of a couple of things that would really, really, be helpful, and would make your life better. Do your spouse's chores, right? Because it's not your obligation, I'm telling you, you don't know the power of unloading the dishwasher, when it's not your job to unload the dishwasher. And if your spouse's love language is acts of service, that something that's simple would just light them up.
Linn Winters: 33:30 Okay love language number five, physical touch, physical touch. Alright, this one, this one is probably the hardest one to kind of navigate and explain, because it has some variations to it. It has some variables, because for a whole bunch of us, this act of physical touch is completely nonsexual. In other words, it's a hug, it's a little unexpected kiss, it's a pat and it has nothing sexual to it. It's just a physical gesture of affection, but for some of us this is sexual, it is connected to that. And probably more likely if this is the love language of a man, then it's probably more likely that it has a sexual connotation to it, okay? Because he's a male, and ladies, here's what you need to know. We're not sure there's such a thing as physical touch, that isn't sexual. Think about this, the closest you're going to get men to a physical touch, is a hug. Which we do at distance, and then we let go promptly, right? That's as close as we get, because anything else might be sexual. And ladies, you're different. You'll stand around with your girlfriends, you're touching them all the time. Oh, you're so wonderful, oh, oh, oh. That just is a total violation of man code, you just need to know. I've got this one dude in my life, and the whole time he talks he's touching me, and I'm going to punch him. I'm just telling you, I'm going to punch him, because that's just wrong if you're a male. It's just, it's wrong. Okay men, here's what you need to hear. Even if this is not your wife's love language, there's something about how God wired women, that they require some physical touch. They just do. There's just something about femininity that needs this, and requires this. Even if it's not one of their primary love languages. Matter of fact, there was a survey done a while back that said, the average woman needs at least nine touches a day. Just a hand on the shoulder, a hug from behind. Nine, that's just what her femininity requires.
Linn Winters: 35:57 I said this a few years back, and a guy in the room named Ken the next morning went to his wife, one, two, three, four. Dad's, dad's, this is a big deal, because you've got daughters. And I just told you that even if this isn't her love language, there's part of her femininity that just requires some physical affection. And you've got to figure out how, as a father, in a completely non sexual way to fill this need and her life to be held to be touched. Because if you don't, there is a line of 15 year old boys who will. It's a big deal, and you need to figure it out. Okay? But if this is their love language, okay, and it is their thing, then you've got to figure out how to lean into this.
Linn Winters: 36:56 There's a great story in scripture that I think illustrates a little bit the power of physical touch. It's the story of The Prodigal Son. Some of you are familiar, some of know the story of the prodigal son is the story of a younger son who one day says to his dad, Dad, I hate your rules, I don't want to be in your house, it's oppressive. So here's my thought, rather than me having to sit around for the next couple of years waiting for you to die, give me your inheritance, give me my inheritance now. And the scripture says he took the money from his father, he ran to a far and distant land, probably Las Vegas. And there he squandered everything that his dad gave him on wild women, and gambling, and throwing parties for his friends. And then one day the pot ran dry, and he found himself destitute, and he's working in the fields taking care of pigs. And he thinks to himself, I've blown any chance to be my father's son. What I did was so wounding, and so disrespectful, I don't deserve to be his kid anymore, I get that. But the servants in my dad's house are doing better than me, I'll go home and tell my dad, I get it, I forfeited my son-ship, but could I work for you? And scripture says, that while the son was a long way off his father, seeing him, ran to him and threw his arms around him. Think about that. No long discussion, hey son, are you sorry? Son, do you understand your violation? He put his arms around him, and you and I, without any further in the explanation in the story know he was forgiven. It's the power of touch. Who do you know? Who do you know whose love language may be physical touch? Write their name down. Who is that?
Linn Winters: 39:08 As I was getting ready to have this conversation, something hit me, and I just thought I'd throw it out to you and let you consider it. You and I are commanded to love God. I wonder what God's love languages are? Isn't that an interesting thought? I wonder what it is that you and I would do toward him, that would show the most affection, most love, most appreciation? I wonder what God's love languages are? So just looking at the card, I wonder which ones? Here's what I came up with, I could be totally wrong, but here's what I came up with. I'm guessing words of affirmation. Because doesn't God invite us to come in and worship? Which means what you and I did together 30 minutes ago in this room, where we just simply declared, God, you are amazing and I love you, and I plan to follow you. Thrilled, you ready for this? Thrilled the heart of God, and he received it as loving. Here's another guess for me. Quality time. Do you have any doubt that when David took every single morning and said, God, you're going to be the first priority, I'm going to carve time to be with you. Do you have any doubt that that thrilled the heart of God? That when you came to church today, it's why regular church attendance is a big deal, it's not about just you, it's about Him. And it's why being here faithfully says something, because you're carving out quality time for Him. It's why joining a growth group is a big deal, because you're saying, God, I love you enough that I'm going to take something as valuable as my time, and dedicate it to knowing you better. You don't think he just is thrilled, when you and I give quality time? Acts of service, doesn't God over and over again say, come join me, come work with me as I redeem this world, as I call broken people to find me, as I help Christians grow up in me. Come serve with me. And don't you know that every person who worked on the parking lot today, every person who was with our students in student ministry, every person who greeted and helped us find seats today, thrilled the heart of God for acts of service. And you and I today may not have just figured out how to love our spouses or our children better, we might actually have had a conversation about how to love our God a little bit better too.
Linn Winters: 41:58 Let's pray. Hey, dear Lord Jesus, we've simply come to the end of a series, and God, thank you. Thank you for hard words, thank you for challenging words, thank you. Thank you for a congregation that leaned in and said, we want to have biblical marriages, we want to see what it would be like if we simply followed God, in his design, and his plan. And God, here's my dream, here's my prayer, that the marriages of Cornerstone would be so radically different that people who don't even know our God would say, if you want to see what a marriage ought to be, you go visit that church. Because the families of Cornerstone, the marriages of Cornerstone, absolutely reflect God. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Linn Winters: 42:48 Hey, as you get ready to go, something we've done for you that I think has a lot of fun to it. We put together your opportunity, you can actually take the test to find out exactly what your love languages are. But how much more fun to maybe give it to your kids, and find out what your kids love language are, or a coworker. And you can do that by going to CS LOVE, and you text that to 39970, and you take the test right there on your phone. Or you can go to cornerstoneonline.com/love. And then you can download it, and put it on paper, or you can just take it on your computer if you want to. I think that's it got a lot of upside for us, and a lot of fun. Thank you, thank you for being part of this series, thank you for leaning in. Go live out a biblically based marriage. God bless you guys.
Recorded in Chandler, Arizona.
Linn Winters: 01:22 And today we're just going to shift gears a little bit. We're going to something that's maybe just a little bit more lighthearted, but hugely practical. Hopefully highly, highly effective in helping you in not just your marriage relationship, in every single relationship, in relationship with your kids, in relationships with family members, in relationships with coworkers. We're going to talk about the five love languages. How many are familiar with the Bible? All right, so some of us are familiar, we know that you may even be practicing it, you may have forgotten about it. Some of us, this is just going to be brand new information. So here's the deal, here's where five love languages comes from. So there was a book written years ago, by a guy by the name of Gary Chapman, that just took the world by storm number one bestseller. Gary Chapman's a Christian, and he wrote this book from a Christian perspective. Now what you need to know is, you're not going to find five love languages in the Bible. There's not a verse that says, thus are the five love languages. It's just, it's not there. But what you are going to find is example after example after example in scripture, where you and I are challenged to kind of live these out, and we really believe he tapped into something that has a lot of value and a lot of help.
Linn Winters: 02:36 Let me give you the premise. The premise is simply this, that every one of us has a way in which we receive, and acknowledged that we're being loved. Our love language. The problem is, we don't all speak the same love language. We come from different families of origin. You've got things about your personality, just the way that God has wired you, and your love language may be different than the love language of your spouse, or of somebody in your life, your children. And so you could be speaking love to them, and they would not be receiving it. They wouldn't be hearing it, because they're not fluent in your love language yet. Let me see if this helps, couple of years back I was over in Kenya. I was at Huruma Children's Home, Mama Zipporah. If you've been around at all, you know that we are highly invested there. I hadn't been there in a year or two, and so I showed up, I got to the compound, and a couple of the teenagers came walking up to me and the first thing, other mouths, you ready, Papa, you're fat. Now after I throat punch them for being disrespectful. No I didn't, but you can imagine the next moment or two was kind of awkward, yeah, you know I have put on a little bit of weight. But can I tell you that it bothered me for the next several days, matter of fact, I found myself walking around sucking in my stomach. About four days later I went up to one of my other Kenyan friends and I said, hey, just so you know, and probably you'd want to tell the kids, hey, it's not a great idea to walk up to an American and tell them they're fat. And my Kenyan friend laughed at me. He said, Papa, that was a compliment, when you're in Kenya and food is hard to come by, and you're wondering about every single meal, they were saying, hey, you look healthy, you look vibrant. Matter of fact, the blessing of God is probably on you, because you've had plenty to eat and you're probably being highly successful. If you can afford more food than you need, then you must be wonderfully successful. And he said, Papa, that's a compliment. Now, here's the interesting thing, even after he told me that was a compliment...right? Because if that's not your language, if that's not your culture, it's hard to receive.
Linn Winters: 05:05 And if it was hard for me to receive a compliment in a language and a culture that I wasn't used to, is it possible that the same thing happens with love languages? That if someone speaks to you in a love language that isn't your fluent native tongue, if that's not how you receive love, that you wouldn't even understand what they were saying. Which means it's possible, ready for this? It's possible that you have been saying to your spouse, I love you. I love you, I love you, and they haven't caught it, because you're not speaking in their love language. Let me give you something else that may be an interesting thing though, in that home that you grew up in where your parents seemed to just withhold their love from you. Is it possible, I'm just asking, is it possible that they actually were expressing love to you over and over again in their love language. But because it wasn't your love language, you didn't hear it, and you grew up wondering about your parents affection? Is that even possible? Think about this. How important is this conversation for parents? Because what if your children have three different love languages, and you decide to treat them all the same? Then you're going to have one child who probably goes, oh, I feel deeply loved by my parents, but you'll have the other two with different love languages going my parents never showed me true affection.
Linn Winters: 06:31 See this is a powerful conversation, not just for our spouses. This is literally a conversation that has the ability to affect every single relationship you're in coworkers, other family members, anybody, good friends in your life. So we're just going to spend a little while just saying, hey, what are those love languages? We're just going to unpack that together, and then see how we can use that for the glory of God on the deal. Okay? So here's something that we gave you to be helpful. Inside of your weekly, when you came in, there was a card that looks like this, that just says love languages. If you didn't get one, just reach in the seat back there in front of you, we've got some more. And here's what I want to challenge you to do. We're going to go through, and describe each of the five love languages. Would you write the name of somebody that you go, I'll bet you that's their love language. Because when I do that, when I treat them like that, I watch their eyes light up, I watched their chest. I'm just telling you, it's a huge response when I speak that language to them. And if you're married then of course you want to be really, really sensitive to say, okay, I want to get my spouse's love language just right. And then here's the fun. on the way home, turn to your spouse and go, okay, here's the two, or whatever it is, here's the ones I marked for you. Did I get it right? And then ask them, Hey, what did you mark for me? Here's another. Put your children's names down. How incredibly helpful would it be today to leave here and go, I have marked every one of my kids love languages, which means I'm probably going to respond to them differently, because they're different. My best friend, whoever it is.
Linn Winters: 08:07 Okay, so here we go, we're going to do this together. Love language number one. Words of affirmation, words of affirmation. This is my love language. I'm the guy that when I get cards at Christmas or for my birthday, I don't care what the card says, I skip all the way down to the bottom and I look for what they wrote at the bottom. Because those words, those words that come from the sincerity of their heart, and the honesty of their thoughts, those words matter to me. And you know what? I sometimes save Christmas cards, because you ready for this? Because words of affirmation are huge to me. Now here's what you're going to discover as we do this. You're probably to say, hey, I appreciate all five. I know we probably all appreciate all five languages. The question is which ones of them, when they are spoken to you, just absolutely grip your heart and fill up your soul? Which ones evoke just an absolutely powerful response, when somebody treats you that way? And for me, it's words of affirmation. I just can't even tell you how powerful it is to me when someone says, hey man, you changed my life. Thank you for modeling Jesus. And I'm just telling you two, three, four weeks from now, I may play those words back in my mind again, because words of affirmation are such a big deal to me. Words like, I'm proud of you, great job, you are the glue in our family, words of affirmation. There's a passage in the book of Proverbs, I'm not going to make you go there, because I'm going to have you go to a bunch of passages today. Proverbs chapter five, that just talks about the power of words, and what they do for our heart and our lives. It's Proverbs 25:11, let me just read this passage to you. Here's what it says, "The right word, at the right time, is like a custom made piece of jewelry." Now that's an interesting analogy, because you go, well, what are we getting at here? If you had a custom made piece of jewelry, it would probably be the landmark, the statement piece of whatever outfit you had. It'd be the thing you most expected people to take note of and notice. And here's what the scripture is saying, the right word, spoken at the right time, especially ready, especially to somebody whose love language is words of affirmation has the potential to be a landmark, a statement piece, a life changing word of affirmation.
Linn Winters: 11:05 I'm serving at a church in Scottsdale years ago, and let's just say there was moments of real unfairness towards me. We won't go into detail, but just to say there was wrongfulness and hurtfulness, and I was on the wrong end. And so I'm in the process of leaving, the kids in the youth group don't know how to respond to me because they don't know, hey, is Linn abandoning ship? Is he giving up on us? Because I can't tell them the story. Or maybe he is a victim, we don't know. And so it grew strangely silent, because the kids don't know what to say, so they say nothing. The parents were the same way. They had no idea why, why is Linn leaving our kids? Why is he midstream on this thing, and taking off? Did he get better pay somewhere else? So silence. There was one volunteer on my staff who saw the moment and said, here's Linn going through a completely unfair moment in his life, and no one's going to say to him that they appreciate him. No one's going to say thank you to him for his time of service, for his honor, and not exposing the wrong. And he went out, and I guarantee he twisted arms, because those kids didn't feel affectionate at the time, those parents didn't feel thankful in the moment. And he did whatever he had to do to get them to pitch in for me, and they bought me a clock, kind of an ugly clock. You can tell by the dust that I haven't hung it up in a long time, but I've kept it for 30 years. Not for the clock, for what it says on the bottom. And what my friend in that moment said to me, when everybody else was being silent. And here's what it says, Linn, you have been a teacher, a counselor, and a friend. You have shared our victories, and our losses. Thank you for the years you have given to us, and then the name of the church. What does it say to you about words of affirmation, that I still have that clock after 30 years. And can I tell you that the guy who understood enough to write those words down for me, is still one of my best friends? Matter of fact, if you're involved in men's ministry, his name is Brent Richardson. Words of affirmation.
Linn Winters: 14:10 And again, again, we all appreciate words of affirmation. But for some of us, this is our love language. So who do you know? Who do you know, who words of affirmation may be their love language? Write it down on the card, put it there. Let me give you a couple of helpful things for this person. Praise is huge, but here's the deal, they have a monstrous bologna meter. So you can't just say something to say it if you aren't sincere about it. The minute you do that, you will turn them off, they will not want to hear other words from you. They have to be sincere, and they will know the moment you're not. Write a note. There is something about a note that puts it in memoriam, that makes it a monument. And don't be surprised if they take that note, and they put it in a little drawer somewhere. Or they save a Christmas card because, because, because those words mean a lot, and they may just pull them out and look at them again to remind their heart what you said. Compliment them in front of others, find a moment when you're with your friends, you're in public. And say, man, I am just so thankful for my husband, he is so amazing with the kids. I'm just telling you, he will remember those words for years to come, it will fill him up. It will fill her up, if her love language are words of affirmation, okay?
Linn Winters: 15:43 Love language number two. Quality time, quality time. This is simply just saying, hey, I want to be together, I just want to set aside some time for us. I just want us, in the busyness of it all, in the hustle and the bustle of it all, just to know that we're going to be together. It doesn't matter what we're doing, I don't care what we're doing. I care that we are connecting, that we are together. This is my wife Lisa's love language. I didn't understand this. When my love language that I grew up in the home of my origin, was acts of service. So after Lisa and I got married, I would go and mow the lawn for her. I would load the dishwasher for her, and then I'd wait for her to be filled with love. And Lisa would walk in and go, Oh, you mowed the lawn. And I was like God, who is this wench that you have given me? She is so ungrateful for my overtures of love. You Ready? It's a perfect example of what happens when you aren't speaking your spouse's love language. Because Lisa's love language is quality time. Set aside time for me. There's a great passage in scripture that I think kind of jumps in, and pushes this for us. And I want you to go there with me. It's Psalms chapter five. If you're not familiar, if you just open your Bible right to the middle, just put your thumbs and open it up, you're probably going to be in this book of Psalms. Psalms chapter five, it's verse three, and this is King David. And ready for this? Here's what he says about his time. Here we go, Psalms 5:3. "In the morning Lord, you hear my voice. In the morning, I lay my request before you, and I wait expectantly for your response." Don't miss the moment here, think about what King David is saying about his affection for God. He is saying, Hey God, you are such a priority to me, I love you so much that before I do anything else in my day, before all of my kingly responsibilities, before all of my duties come in, I choose to set aside time to meet with you. Think about it. You know darn well that that is absolutely a gesture of affection, and priority for God. It's exactly what it means to those that are in our lives, whose love language is quality time.
Linn Winters: 18:52 Remember I told you this is Lisa's. So early on in our marriage we had a little guest room, and Lisa decided that she wanted to fill it with antiques, so every Saturday morning we would get up, we'd go to a little breakfast somewhere, and then we'd spend the morning hunting for antiques. And an awful lot of Saturdays we didn't find anything to buy. It didn't matter. It was about quality time. Now can I just clue you in for a second? Guess how much I care about antiques? I had zero interest in antiques, but you know what I did have interest in? Filling my wife's heart. And I knew that that little Saturday morning, the idea that as she went through a really rough week, and everything else was going on. She knew Saturday was coming, and that she was going to get quality time, and because that was her love language, it absolutely filled her heart. We finally finished the room, praise God, and the next quality thing became a going golfing together. And here's what you just need to know. Lisa did not go golfing with me because she's an avid golfer, she went golfing with me because it gave us time to be together. More recently I noticed that Lisa would say to me, hey, can we just stop and have dinner now? Here's what you need to know. In my world, in my way of thinking, dinner is what you do to fill your belly. The best way to do dinner, are you ready? Is quickly and cheaply. So when Lisa is suggesting that we stop and go to a restaurant to have dinner, my response was why? It like violates every value about dinner, you have to pay the waitress a tip, it's always more expensive. You could go through Chick-fil-A, and be home in 15 minutes. Why? And then you ready? And then I realized it's not about dinner. Is it possible it's not about dinner, and that you are in a relationship with somebody who it's quality time? And they're like, hey, let's go for a walk. It's not about antiques, it's about quality time. Who do you know, put them down, who you would say, you know what I think? I think maybe this person is quality time. That's what just fills their heart up, it thrills them, they know they're deeply loved when they have quality time. Let me give you a couple of things to help. A date night, Lisa and I for 36 years, every Thursday night, date night. Why do I do that? Because Lisa knows every Thursday night, quality time. Walks, here's the good news, walks are cheap. Walks, they've got quality time written all over them. If this person is quality time, that's their love language. You need to know that vacations are probably monumental to them. We all like vacations, but if it's quality time, vacations are probably off the hook. Why? Because it's a week of quality time. Okay? So just know that. That's why you don't cancel it, that's why you don't change it, do the vacation, okay?
Linn Winters: 22:23 Alright. Number three, third, love language. Receiving gifts, receiving gifts. Now here's what you need to know, this is not a version of gold digging, that's not what this is. Oh, I feel loved when you buy me a Mercedes. That is not what this is, okay? Matter of fact, the vast, vast, vast majority of time when you talk to somebody whose love language is receiving gifts. Here's what they'll say to you, I am absolutely not a materialistic person, it's not the gift, it's the thought. It's the idea that when we weren't together, they thought of me, and then chose to do something, get something for me, that became symbolic of their love for me. That's why the gift matters to me. Interesting, guys, here's the mistake that men make all the time when their wives have a love language of receiving gifts. We think to ourselves, oh, wait a minute, it's been like a long time since I got her anything. Maybe if I get her one really big, expensive thing, it'll make up for 20 times I didn't. Here's the bad news guys, one really expensive gift does not count for 20 misses. One counts for one. You should've just bought her Burger King. Okay? I'm just telling you one counts for one, that's what it is. So you just need to know that, and don't be surprised if they take that little thing, and they put it somewhere on display. Because every time they see it, here's what, ready for this? It reminds them, oh, he loves me, oh, she loves me. Don't be surprised if every time she puts on that bracelet, she smiles, because she goes, oh, he loves me. Okay, it becomes little teeny monuments of love.
Linn Winters: 24:19 There's a really interesting story in scripture that I think really plays this out. Okay, so grab your bibles again, go with me to First Samuel. And if you're not familiar, First Samuel's going to be right toward the front of your Bible, so go there, start working to the right. It's First Samuel chapter 18. Let me set this passage up so it'll make sense. So there's two guys, there's David. Remember David, the guy who kills the giant? And his dear, dear, dear friend Jonathan. Here's the tension of the moment. Jonathan is the prince of Israel. His Dad is a guy by the name of King Saul, and Jonathan is next in line to be king, But Jonathon's dad Saul has misbehaved so badly, that God has said, Saul, you will never pass on your lineage, none of your descendants will be king. I'm going to hand the kingship to David, so think about the rivalry. And now Saul, in response, has said, I'll kill David so that my family can stay in the line, and so his dad has literally been pursuing David to try to kill him. So here comes the question, what happens to the friendship between David and Jonathan? Jonathan's dad hates David, Jonathan is next in line, David's going to be king. What happens to this friendship? And in the midst of the moment, Johnathan says to David, David, you are my brother, I love you as if you were born to my family. And here's the deal David, I know that God has put his hand on you, I know you're going to be the next king. And in that moment he gives him gifts, isn't that interesting? He gives him gifts. So here we go, it's first Samuel Chapter 18:1, "After David had finished talking with Saul. Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. And from that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family, and Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself, and then Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt." Why? Because David needed a new outfit? No, he wanted David, every time he wore that robe, to remember that he had a friend who loved him. That every time he would pick up that sword, it would remind his heart, Jonathan, Jonathan is true to me no matter what. Every time he went hunting with that bow, his heart would fill. I've got a friend, who sticks closer than a brother. It's the power of gift giving, because those little gifts, become monuments, they become testimonies that I am loved.
Linn Winters: 27:36 Okay. Who Do you know? Who Do you know whose love language may be receiving gifts? Write their name down. Let me give you a couple of helpful things. These gifts are best given when there's no reason. See at Christmas you're obligated, at birthday you're obligated, these gifts mean more when they're random, and you just kind of leave it sitting on a counter, they just kind of show up. You come home and say, hey, look what I got for you. That's when they are the most powerful, when they are random. Secondly, go to Mexico by a pile, hand them out every once in a while. Otherwise you're going to be driven crazy, having to go buy gifts all the time. Okay, so just buy a pile, and then bring them out secretly. Okay, so that's help.
Linn Winters: 28:21 Alright, love language number four. Acts of service, acts of service. This is when you and I do something that we're not, ready? Not obligated to do. If you're obligated, that's called a chore, this is acts of service. When you do something for somebody else simply to make their life better, to make their load lighter, and you weren't compelled or required to do it. You might want to call them acts of kindness. It's acts of service. I did this for you, so that your life would be more comfortable and better. It's fixing something around the house. It's cooking a meal, when you don't have to cook the meal. It's vacuuming the floor, and it wasn't your turn to vacuum the floor. It's simply serving the person because you love the person. Grab your bibles again, because there's a passage that just links acts of service with loving. It's Galatians, Galatians chapter five, so go to the back of your Bible, work to the left. Galatians 5:13, here's what it says, "You my brothers and sisters were called to be free, but do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh. Rather serve one another humbly in love." Now this verse is written in the context of the church. It's saying in the church we express love for one another by serving one another. It's why you've got people in there watching your children right now, so you can be in this service, that is an act of love for you. Nobody over there is obligated. They do that as an absolute gesture of love for you, because it's easier for all of us concerned, if your kids aren't in here, okay, so I'm just saying, okay. So it's written in the context of the church, but you realize that applies to every relationship, right? It's moments in which I say, I'm not obligated, I don't owe you this, but I'm going to do this for you to make your load, to make your life better, to ease your life.
Linn Winters: 30:35 I was serving in Yucaipa, southern California, I knew that that move meant I was leaving my mom here, and remember I told you my mom's love language acts of service. That's the culture, that's the home that I grew up in. I knew my mom was here, and I knew that she was by herself, and I knew she was raising two girls. So I made a decision that every single year while I was in southern California, that I would take a week of my vacation. And I didn't have a lot of vacation, and I would come for a week, and I would simply just do anything that she needed around the house. I'd say, mom, look, just write everything you can think of, everything you can think of, write it on the list, I'll get as many done as I can in seven days. I'll come once a year and do that now. Here's guys, guys, guys, guys, here's what you need to hear, I did not do that out of obligation. And you can argue, and maybe I was, maybe I was obligated as a son to do that for my mom. But you just need to know, it never felt like an obligation. The reason I came and did that was the joy of watching my mom fill up as I spoke her love language, and I'm just telling you, you've never seen so much wonder over a door knob tightened, or an arcadia door put back on the track, because her love language is acts of service.
Linn Winters: 32:03 Who do you know, who do you know who potentially their love languages is hey, you changed the diaper? You never thought something as mundane, or as silly, as that would actually be a gesture of love. But if their love language is acts of service, it is. Who Do you know? Write them down. Alright, let me give you some things to help. Listen for requests, listen for, hey, you know that's broken, that needs to be fixed. Because remember the restaurant, when dinner isn't dinner. And this is one of those moments when requests may not be requests, they may be, hey, would you do something that would be an absolutely loving gesture? It'd make my life easier, if you did that. Listen for requests. Secondly, be proactive, asked for a list. Just say, hey look, I probably can't do all those things right now, but if I end up with a little spare time, a little extra something, I just like to know what I could do that would just thrill your heart. So give me a list of a couple of things that would really, really, be helpful, and would make your life better. Do your spouse's chores, right? Because it's not your obligation, I'm telling you, you don't know the power of unloading the dishwasher, when it's not your job to unload the dishwasher. And if your spouse's love language is acts of service, that something that's simple would just light them up.
Linn Winters: 33:30 Okay love language number five, physical touch, physical touch. Alright, this one, this one is probably the hardest one to kind of navigate and explain, because it has some variations to it. It has some variables, because for a whole bunch of us, this act of physical touch is completely nonsexual. In other words, it's a hug, it's a little unexpected kiss, it's a pat and it has nothing sexual to it. It's just a physical gesture of affection, but for some of us this is sexual, it is connected to that. And probably more likely if this is the love language of a man, then it's probably more likely that it has a sexual connotation to it, okay? Because he's a male, and ladies, here's what you need to know. We're not sure there's such a thing as physical touch, that isn't sexual. Think about this, the closest you're going to get men to a physical touch, is a hug. Which we do at distance, and then we let go promptly, right? That's as close as we get, because anything else might be sexual. And ladies, you're different. You'll stand around with your girlfriends, you're touching them all the time. Oh, you're so wonderful, oh, oh, oh. That just is a total violation of man code, you just need to know. I've got this one dude in my life, and the whole time he talks he's touching me, and I'm going to punch him. I'm just telling you, I'm going to punch him, because that's just wrong if you're a male. It's just, it's wrong. Okay men, here's what you need to hear. Even if this is not your wife's love language, there's something about how God wired women, that they require some physical touch. They just do. There's just something about femininity that needs this, and requires this. Even if it's not one of their primary love languages. Matter of fact, there was a survey done a while back that said, the average woman needs at least nine touches a day. Just a hand on the shoulder, a hug from behind. Nine, that's just what her femininity requires.
Linn Winters: 35:57 I said this a few years back, and a guy in the room named Ken the next morning went to his wife, one, two, three, four. Dad's, dad's, this is a big deal, because you've got daughters. And I just told you that even if this isn't her love language, there's part of her femininity that just requires some physical affection. And you've got to figure out how, as a father, in a completely non sexual way to fill this need and her life to be held to be touched. Because if you don't, there is a line of 15 year old boys who will. It's a big deal, and you need to figure it out. Okay? But if this is their love language, okay, and it is their thing, then you've got to figure out how to lean into this.
Linn Winters: 36:56 There's a great story in scripture that I think illustrates a little bit the power of physical touch. It's the story of The Prodigal Son. Some of you are familiar, some of know the story of the prodigal son is the story of a younger son who one day says to his dad, Dad, I hate your rules, I don't want to be in your house, it's oppressive. So here's my thought, rather than me having to sit around for the next couple of years waiting for you to die, give me your inheritance, give me my inheritance now. And the scripture says he took the money from his father, he ran to a far and distant land, probably Las Vegas. And there he squandered everything that his dad gave him on wild women, and gambling, and throwing parties for his friends. And then one day the pot ran dry, and he found himself destitute, and he's working in the fields taking care of pigs. And he thinks to himself, I've blown any chance to be my father's son. What I did was so wounding, and so disrespectful, I don't deserve to be his kid anymore, I get that. But the servants in my dad's house are doing better than me, I'll go home and tell my dad, I get it, I forfeited my son-ship, but could I work for you? And scripture says, that while the son was a long way off his father, seeing him, ran to him and threw his arms around him. Think about that. No long discussion, hey son, are you sorry? Son, do you understand your violation? He put his arms around him, and you and I, without any further in the explanation in the story know he was forgiven. It's the power of touch. Who do you know? Who do you know whose love language may be physical touch? Write their name down. Who is that?
Linn Winters: 39:08 As I was getting ready to have this conversation, something hit me, and I just thought I'd throw it out to you and let you consider it. You and I are commanded to love God. I wonder what God's love languages are? Isn't that an interesting thought? I wonder what it is that you and I would do toward him, that would show the most affection, most love, most appreciation? I wonder what God's love languages are? So just looking at the card, I wonder which ones? Here's what I came up with, I could be totally wrong, but here's what I came up with. I'm guessing words of affirmation. Because doesn't God invite us to come in and worship? Which means what you and I did together 30 minutes ago in this room, where we just simply declared, God, you are amazing and I love you, and I plan to follow you. Thrilled, you ready for this? Thrilled the heart of God, and he received it as loving. Here's another guess for me. Quality time. Do you have any doubt that when David took every single morning and said, God, you're going to be the first priority, I'm going to carve time to be with you. Do you have any doubt that that thrilled the heart of God? That when you came to church today, it's why regular church attendance is a big deal, it's not about just you, it's about Him. And it's why being here faithfully says something, because you're carving out quality time for Him. It's why joining a growth group is a big deal, because you're saying, God, I love you enough that I'm going to take something as valuable as my time, and dedicate it to knowing you better. You don't think he just is thrilled, when you and I give quality time? Acts of service, doesn't God over and over again say, come join me, come work with me as I redeem this world, as I call broken people to find me, as I help Christians grow up in me. Come serve with me. And don't you know that every person who worked on the parking lot today, every person who was with our students in student ministry, every person who greeted and helped us find seats today, thrilled the heart of God for acts of service. And you and I today may not have just figured out how to love our spouses or our children better, we might actually have had a conversation about how to love our God a little bit better too.
Linn Winters: 41:58 Let's pray. Hey, dear Lord Jesus, we've simply come to the end of a series, and God, thank you. Thank you for hard words, thank you for challenging words, thank you. Thank you for a congregation that leaned in and said, we want to have biblical marriages, we want to see what it would be like if we simply followed God, in his design, and his plan. And God, here's my dream, here's my prayer, that the marriages of Cornerstone would be so radically different that people who don't even know our God would say, if you want to see what a marriage ought to be, you go visit that church. Because the families of Cornerstone, the marriages of Cornerstone, absolutely reflect God. This we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.
Linn Winters: 42:48 Hey, as you get ready to go, something we've done for you that I think has a lot of fun to it. We put together your opportunity, you can actually take the test to find out exactly what your love languages are. But how much more fun to maybe give it to your kids, and find out what your kids love language are, or a coworker. And you can do that by going to CS LOVE, and you text that to 39970, and you take the test right there on your phone. Or you can go to cornerstoneonline.com/love. And then you can download it, and put it on paper, or you can just take it on your computer if you want to. I think that's it got a lot of upside for us, and a lot of fun. Thank you, thank you for being part of this series, thank you for leaning in. Go live out a biblically based marriage. God bless you guys.
Recorded in Chandler, Arizona.
Read More
