Words?!
The interpersonal communication of a family should be kind.
Ted Lowe
May 6, 2018 35m
In this sermon Ted Lowe discusses how we are so kind with our words in our interpersonal communication with our co=workers and strangers. Yet, when it comes to our families we forget to even use the simplest kind words like please, thank you, I am sorry. He suggests that we slow down and pick our words more carefully with the people that are most important to us. That this is the most important way to create a safe and loving family. Video recorded at Chandler, Arizona.
TranscriptionmessageRegarding Grammar:
This is a transcription of the sermon. People speak differently than they write, and there are common colloquialisms in this transcript that sound good when spoken, and look like bad grammar when written.
This is a transcription of the sermon. People speak differently than they write, and there are common colloquialisms in this transcript that sound good when spoken, and look like bad grammar when written.
Announcer: 00:00 Today we're excited to welcome guest speaker Ted Lowe. Ted is the director of married people at Orange, a non-profit that works to influence the next generation of leaders. His mission is to help churches build marriages that thrive. He's the author of Your Best Us: Marriage Is Easier Than You Think and co-author of Married People: How Your Church Can Build Marriages that Last. Not only does Cornerstone offer a Thriving, Your Best us Study, but Ted and his wife Nancy Lowe were the headliners for our most recent date night at Cornerstone. Help us in welcoming Ted Lowe to the stage.
Ted Lowe: 00:35 How are you guys? Yeah, my wife plays that title package every night when I come home from work. So, uh, yeah, it's great to be here. Hey, what a great church you guys have. What a great staff that you have. You've got that great Panera Bread out in the lobby, that's a lot of fun. You got this good cage right here for the really bad sinners. So I like this place Yeah, we were with you guys a couple of weeks back with the date night event and that's such a great thing. So it's an honor to be back with you.
Ted Lowe: 01:03 Hey, today we're going to talk about something that's important to all family relationships. I typically talk primarily to married couples, but I have been working with families recently as well. And so when we think about today, and what your church wanted for you. They said, "Look, we've got all kinds of different types of families. We've got extended families, we've got blended families, nuclear families, we've got so many different families. So whatever you speak, make sure it's applicable to all them."
Ted Lowe: 01:29 And today I can say that that's the case, because today we're going to take a look at the power of words. I did not understand the real power of words until I got married. I'd been married like literally two weeks, and we lived in a little tiny one bedroom, one bath apartment and had one mirror in the whole place, and my wife and I both had to get ready in that same mirror. And she came in and did that thing that she's been doing to mirrors as long as I've known her, where she backs herself up to the mirror. Ladies, do you do this? And then you spin your head around at a 180 degrees and you check out the back of yourselves. Most of us guys have never seen the back of ourselves. I call it the owl. I've since learned that the owl is followed with a question. A question that seems to be strategically designed to get me killed. The question of the day was, "Do you think these pants look too tight?"
Ted Lowe: 02:37 Choo, choo can you hear the train a coming? Yeah. Well, I was young and stupid and I did not listen to the still small, sweet voice of Jesus when he whispered lie. I said these three words, "Yeah, kind of." Yeah, kind of was the wrong answer. Yeah, kind of led to a whole lot of tears. In fact, she almost cried at one point. It was bad.
Ted Lowe: 03:08 And I started to learn that day what I know for certain, after being in ministry for over 20 years, and being married for 23, and working with families. I started learning that day what I know for certain today, that it only takes a few words to take our relationships in a direction that we do not want them to go. I can remember thinking, this is so delicate and you guys know this as well.
Ted Lowe: 03:31 Some of you have you experienced that on the way to church this morning? You're coming here to learn about Jesus, and one or all of you turned into the devil. Right, in fact, we have some of you that this happened to you in the parking lot. We want you to watch this...Some of you are going what? It's a fancy church, it could happen. But it only takes a few words to take our relationships in a direction that we do not want to go. Whether that's with our spouse, or that's with our parents, or that's with a sibling, or that's with step kids, or whatever that dynamic is. It only takes a few words, it's very, very fragile.
Ted Lowe: 04:04 Things like this, "Is that what you're wearing?"
Ted Lowe: 04:09 "No, these are my practice clothes."
Ted Lowe: 04:12 Right? And all of a sudden you're a little distant there. And then there's those times when we've done something wrong, and we're trying to find it out as delicately as possible. Hey, what's wrong? And we get what? Nothing! Always nothing, I'm with my people. Which we all know translates into something, You're an idiot. It only takes a few words. And then there's this one, "You are just like your mom." How many moms do we have in here? After all you do, you become the atomic bomb of phrases. It's not fair, accurate, but not fair. Right? And then there's this one. You always, you always come home later than you telling me you're going to, you always get frustrated, you always get impatient, you always say that, you always forget. You always. You always. You always. We look at our kids, you always forget, you always don't do your homework. You always. You always. And then there's you always's twin brother you never. You never do what you say you're going to do, you never treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You never. You never. You never. And you go one sentence and we're distant, and were frustrated. There's things like this. That'll never work. They want to share an idea with as we go, it'll never work. Then we got this one. What were you thinking? This is what I got a lot growing up, because I was ADHD long before it was cool to be. And my dad, my dad will always go, what were you thinking? I'd be like nothing, not even little, I wasn't thinking anything. There were no thoughts before actions. So those of you who are parents with kids with ADHD, you should know when you say what you were thinking, they weren't.
Ted Lowe: 06:16 My dad was constantly asking what were you thinking? My Dad, if you can tell, I grew up in the south. And my dad raised me old school. Anybody in here get raised old school? Yeah. He's always asking me the same thing, what were you thinking? He'd also do this thing, and I always thought it was really bizarre. If my brother and I wanted something and he didn't want to give it to us, it'd be things like, hey dad, can I get a cheeseburger? And he'd go, I'm going to cheeseburger you in a minute. Which as a child is a little frightening, like what does it look like to be cheeseburger? That can't feel good?
Ted Lowe: 06:39 Yeah, and so they say these things, just a few words. He said, are you sure? Are you sure? You know we ask them a question, they tell us something, and we go are you sure. I'm going to google that. Right? No one has confidence in what you're saying.
Ted Lowe: 06:59 Where is all of our married people? Raise your hand. These next few are just for you. These are really painful words for us. Not tonight, not this week, maybe next month. What'd you got going on Leap Year. Right? It only takes a few words.
Ted Lowe: 07:23 Here's what puts us all on the same page, whether you're married or not, whatever your family is, here's what we know to be true. Puts all on the same page. Whoever came up with this phrase, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This person was, to use a biblical term, a moron. We just know this is not true. I wish it was true. It's just a statement of denial. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Of course words were hurt us. So here's the mystery of this whole thing. Here's the thing that I felt for years. Why do we do this? And the mystery is this. Why do we say the things we don't want to say, and not say the things we do? Why do we say the things we don't want to say and not say the things that we do? Like for you, if I were to ask you, "Do you want to say things that hurt those you love the most?"
Ted Lowe: 07:23 You'd say what, "No."
Ted Lowe: 08:15 If I said, "Do you want to speak words that speak life and not death into those you love the most?"
Ted Lowe: 08:15 We'd say what, "Yes, I want to do that."
Ted Lowe: 08:21 Then why is it, those of us who love the people around us, we find ourselves saying the words I can't believe I said that again, I can't believe I did that again, I can't believe that those words came out of my mouth again, when I knew how badly it hurt them. And we're finding ourselves not saying the things that we should. Because maybe we don't know how to say those, or it feels clunky to us, and so we just don't. So what's going on here? Because if we could figure out this mystery, man, it impacts every relationship that we have.
Ted Lowe: 08:55 Now listen, I've studied more on family dynamics, then I have brain cells, and I will tell you this. One day I landed on this passage and I thought...Wow, this is really it. Isn't it just like God in one verse to say, here's the situation, but better yet, here's what you do about it.
Ted Lowe: 09:12 Why are we saying the things we shouldn't, and not saying the things that we should. It comes from proverbs 12:18, it says, Careless words, stab like a sword." Because people say now aw were too sensitive to words, which is there some truth to that, but we've always been sensitive to words. For whatever reason, God has hardwired it in our DNA for words to matter. He says he is the living word. He gives us his word as the greatest gift to us, and yet so many of us are not that great with it. And we were careless, those word stab like a sword. Now you think this is ancient passage, and it could not be more relevant if it tried to modern life today. Because when we're careless, when we say those things, it stabs like a sword. Do you think the author was trying to get across the point? Careless words stab like a sword. And here's the deal, a stabbing is an event. God forbid if anybody in this room were to ever to be stabbed you'd remember that for the rest of your life. Because you remember events, especially the hurtful ones.
Ted Lowe: 10:16 When my mom passed away when I was 10, and I remember being in a relative's house. And I made this big mess in his family room, and he walks in and he sees the mess and it was pretty big, because again, I was me. He walks in and sees the mess, and he says something to me and I'd take off outside crying. He chases after me, he catches me, he grabs him by the arms, he spins me around and he goes, "Hey, just because your mom died doesn't mean you can cry about every little thing." Now I've got to tell you, that was a stabbing that day. And we remember a stabbing because is an event and we remember events, especially hurtful ones. Because here's the thing. I don't remember what Little League team I was on that year. I don't remember what I got from my Christmas present. I don't know where we went or if we went on vacation. But I remember everything about it. I remember the exact mess, I remember that it was hot outside, I remember he looked really, really big when he spun me around, and I remember all that because what he said at the end. Because what it said to me, if this has made you sad, something's wrong And that was very hurtful and memorable, a transformational moment in just a couple sentences, One sentence can be a stabbing, and that's what happens, But here's what we say because we weren't intentional, it was careless. We say, I didn't mean it, I was just kidding, I was just frustrated, I was just tired, or as my teenagers say, I was just saying. Oh, you were just totally rude to your mother, but since you were just saying we're good.
Ted Lowe: 11:49 We know it doesn't work this way. And here's the thing, when we have been careless and we see that it really stabbed them, and it really mattered to them. We're like so frustrated that they're making such a big deal about it. Why? Because it wasn't in our heart. When we're careless with our words is typically not a heart issue, it's a habit issue. We didn't mean it, and we're so frustrated, because you are going I didn't mean to hurt you as big as that just hurt you. But what we say, I was just kidding. I'll let just tell you, the swords already and it just turns it just a little bit more because we are careless. And you go, why do we say the things we didn't mean to? Because we're careless, or moving a million miles an hour. It's not a heart issue, it's a habit issue. Careless words stab like a sword.
Ted Lowe: 12:32 Now that you're all completely depressed, I want to give you some hope. Because I think we have to paint the reality and the truth of how important words are to understand how powerful they can be on the other side. And the great thing with God's word, he always lays it out really straight forward. Here's the situation, here's how important it is, here is the hope, "Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words lead to healing."
Ted Lowe: 12:59 Everybody can take a deep breath because at the end of the day, those things that we have said, we can start to speak something different to them. We can start to heal those moments. I was verbally abused as a kid and I have married the most amazing woman. Who has spoken words to me that have healed so many of those places, and here's the thing, you go you know she's the stereotypical woman who can put all her words together. Let me just tell you, my wife is an accountant. She would tell you her happy place is Excel spreadsheets. She's like the whole words thing, that's your jam, man. That is not mine. She says when we get mad at each other, you find your words and I lose mine.
Ted Lowe: 13:36 Right, but she has spoke something different to me, it has been healing to me. But here's the part where I think it starts to make sense of why we're not saying the things that we should say. A stabbing is an event, healing is a process. Healing is a process. Man it's an amazing process that we can speak words to those we've wounded, or other people have been wounded. We could speak these words to them, and it's a process of healing, But the problem is it's a process, and we're not exactly a culture pumped up on process. We created techno stress. The little hour glass comes up on our computer for more than three seconds, and we are like I need to upgrade. And we don't wait until things break, we upgrade them. I was talking to my son the other day about what a record was. And so I'm thinking as I start to explain it, I thought A. I have no idea how to explain this because I have no idea how this works. But I started with, I don't know you put this disc thing and it spins it around, and this arm's got a needle and then out comes Bon Jovi. Like, I don't know. Do you know what his only question was? So you had to go to the store and buy it. No buddy, music has always dropped magically from the sky unto the device of your choice.
Ted Lowe: 15:00 But we don't like process, and here's what happens, When we say the wrong thing, there is an event like response. We know without a shadow of a doubt that that hurt them. When we say the right thing, we don't get a big event like response. It's small because it's the process. My wife told me that I was the first person to ever tell her she was beautiful, which is so crazy. So I have, for 24 years, told her, you are so beautiful. You are so beautiful. Do you now want to get ladies? I get thank you. I am like no, look at you, you are so out of my league. Like if her standing beside me does not make people believe in Jesus, I got nothing for them. But I'll tell her you are just so beautiful. One day I said, it's really important for me to to know that you know how beautiful that I think that you are. I go am I saying it too much? Because it makes it not matter, because it feels like it doesn't matter. She goes, oh no, I love it. And I'm like could you alert your face?
Ted Lowe: 16:04 Right? If I said the wrong thing, like those pants are too tight, I get an event like response, I say the right thing, I get a little thank you. Why? Because that's the process, and it's slower, and what's rewarded is repeated. A lot of us, you know, we don't say those things to the people around us because we don't think it matters to them, but oh it matters.
Ted Lowe: 16:26 And guys, we are the world's worst. When someone says something important to us, whether that's our parents, or our friends, or our wife, or girlfriend, whatever those things are. When they say those things to us like, you're so great at your job, you're such a good dad, thank you for this, thank you for that. And what do we do? We go, (inaudible) and that's all we give them. Right? In reality, we're not giving them anything, so they're looking at us and they're saying what? They're going oh well that didn't really matter to them. Ladies, can I just tell you, parents can I tell you, on the inside, that guy is going, Yeah! Because it feels right. But here's the thing. We don't know how to tell you that, we don't even understand why that's such a great thing, and we don't say thank you for speaking to my wounded little boy soul. We're not going to do that, ever. Right?
Ted Lowe: 17:19 But we've got to know, ladies, men, we got to know that when we're saying those right things that it really, really matters is the process. And isn't a relationship a process? That we've got to get really great in the process of words. So how do we do that? Let's make this really simple, we have to be slow. We have got to learn how to slow this thing down. Every radio station in the country has a thing called a seven second delay. Where they have seven seconds to delay things from going out into the airwaves. And I was like, oh man, if we could figure out how to build some kind of like chip. That we can put in the back of people's throat where they would go, oh, I shouldn't have said that...bam rewind...say it again. We'd all be wealthy, right? Wouldn't it be great? But here's the thing. I thought man if we did have a seven second delay, I wonder how many more families would be whole and complete, and how many of us would be less wounded, and how many less times.
Ted Lowe: 18:17 So we have to do that. We have to learn how to be slow. And let tell you who this is the most difficult with. You know I've got three teenagers. It's my oldest one. He's about to graduate and he is ready to go. He had senioritis since third grade, right? He's my child that has looked at me since he was this big, and has gone I got it. Right?And so if anybody pushes my buttons, it is my first born and I love it so dearly. I love him so dearly, but there's some button, and so I will end up in these verbal matches with him that's just stupid. And I had another one, and my wife said to me, she goes can I say something? I said, yeah. She goes, I'll tell you what happened there, she said, you need to be slow. Pastor take your own advice. Right? Slow. We have to learn how to slow this thing down.
Ted Lowe: 19:06 When is that time for you where you find your words being the most careless? What time of the day? What's the situation? What's the topic? Counselors say a lot of times it's times your in H.A.L.T. That stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Right? The number one time couples are fighting is when they reconnect at the end of the day. Because I think they're hungry, angry, lonely and tired. They come home oh, my day was awful. You think your day was awful? You should've had my day. Right?
Ted Lowe: 19:30 You think about families. You think about when we're trying to get out the door to school or we're trying to do the next thing. We've already had our full time job, and then we've got our other part time job of Ubering our kids. I always say this, "Raising teenagers is like running a free hotel, but everyone's always griping about service." We're like Uber drivers, right? That never get paid, or get a good review. That's how that works, but we are moving and what we do, we forget in the middle of this. Wait a minute, we've provided all this, we're doing all this, we have decided all this, because we love them. We got to slow it down parents. We've got to slow it down spouses. We've go to slow it down mom and dad, we got to slow it down siblings.
Ted Lowe: 20:15 Who's that relationship that as we're talking, they push your buttons? They push those buttons. What if you started to be slow? Well they'll probably pass out, but it'd be healing thing. We have to be slow, we have to be slow, but you can't be silent. Some of you are going, "Oh yeah, when I'm mad, I'm real slow. I don't talk for six months." I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about, whoa, I need to take a breath. I need to take a break. You know, neurologically, chemically our bodies and our brain when we're angry are set up to fail. There's a chemical called cortisol that floods us, blood pressure goes up. We kind of lose our minds, and that's why we say those things. And then we'd get on the other end of it going, when we're back to ourselves, I can't believe I said that. So we have to, in the moment, learn how to slow this thing down. And we have to be slow, but we cannot be silent.
Ted Lowe: 21:00 Some of the most hurtful words are the words that are never said. Our kids need it. the people we love around us they need to hear it. We can't be silent and we have to be smart. It's wise words that lead to healing. The same book of the Bible says that flattery is evil. We all know when someone's just flattering us or buttering us up. It doesn't sit right, does it? It doesn't mean anything. It certainly doesn't heal any wounded parts. Right? This is wise words. This is smart words. We've got to figure out where their wounded and we get the opportunity to speak something different. And you go how do I know where their wounded? Well, you can ask them, but they may not even know. So asking them is sometimes the easy way. Here's another way. When someone's reaction doesn't match the situation, it reveals where they're wounded. Think about somebody you love and every time you talk about, fill in the blank, their reaction doesn't match the situation. Every time you talk about money, the reaction's too big, every time we talk about in-law's the reaction's too big, every time you talk about jobs the reaction's too big, every time we talk about appearance or clothes the reaction's too big. That right there is where they're wounded. And what we want to do, and what's really hard not to do is we realize how unfair their reaction is. And we're like, are you kidding me right now? If we can be relationally brave and go, whoa, that's where they're touchy.
Ted Lowe: 22:20 How many of you in here, living in Phoenix, have ever been sunburned? Right? Somebody can barely graze your skin and you want to punch them in the nose, right? Why? Cause you're so touchy, so wounded. Where are they relationally and emotionally sunburned. What's that topic? And there's your greatest opportunity. That's where you get to be different. And that's the thing. When we started thinking about how God loves us, how Christ loves us, I mean the gap between what we deserve and what we get is massive. And we get to be that for those around us. If our parents, and if our families, if our kids are going to know a life full of grace and love and tenderness unconditionally, it is going to be because we decide to give it to them.
Ted Lowe: 23:08 So let me give you a couple of wise words. A couple of healing words. They're very complicated, so you're going to want to write these down. Please. And what I mean by this, you watch when we're frustrated with our families, when we're at odds with each other. Sometimes we get quiet, we get curt, we get frustrated, and we leave out the niceties like please, and things like thank you. You think about this for a minute. We come home after a whole day of saying please and thank you to coworkers to perfect strangers,and we'd come home and we even dropped that. Some of us need to say, you know what? You and I are having a hard time, but thank you for what you do for our family. Buddy thank you that you're trying really hard at school. I know we're arguing about the whole homework thing, but I know you're trying to thank you for doing that. Thank you, and it starts these little things. Things like you're beautiful. Any of us dads, or granddads, or whatever we are in a female's life, we need to say you are beautiful. I tell my daughter that since she was tiny, your beautiful. She's now 13 ,and other night she goes, I know dad, I'm beautiful. Right, you're beautiful. Dad's let's tell our daughters, so she doesn't go somewhere trying to find it in a way that's going to get her hurt. That's on us. You are beautiful.
Ted Lowe: 24:30 And guys want to hear it too. All of us. This is just for your wives, husbands we want to hear that we're attractive too, but you want to hear a little bit different way. We want to hear it like this, you're hot. And here's the great thing with men, we don't have to be hot, but if you tell us we're hot, we will believe you. Men that's how that works isn't it. Yeah, we want to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. And here's another one for men, "You've got this." Studies show that men always have this low grade to high grade anxiety about their occupation, and their ability to provide. We're always kind of wondering about this, regardless of what we're making, regardless of our position, whatever that is, we're always kind of wondering about that just a little bit. So wives, here's a little bit of homework for you, five times this week I want you to take your hand and I want you to cup it. I wan't you to come up behind your husband, and what you pat him this hard, and I want you to go bam, "You've got this." Your goal is to leave whips, and I want one of those to be on the way out in the parking lot, okay? That's how that works. I did this in a women's conference one time, and I don't think they're gonna have me back. But I did see pastor in the parking lot, and the pastor's wife come up behind the pastor in the parking lot and goes, "You've got this". Maybe she knows something about pastor that I don't. We need to hear this..you've got this.
Ted Lowe: 25:48 How many of you are married to ideas people? Or you have kids that are always coming up with some crazy idea, or maybe it's your parents, your grandma, we've all got those people. Well here's what we tend to want to do, is we just want to get all complicated with it. You've got somebody coming in saying, "Hey, let's turn the house into a convertible."
Ted Lowe: 26:10 Here's all you say, 'Wow!" And just leave it at that. Because here's what you guys do. Wow, you know the hydraulics, that's never going to carry the weight of that, are you going to...? No! All you do is say, "Wow." Because here's the thing with ideas people, because I am one. Ideas are like squirrels, they jump from branch to branch, they don't ever really land. We don't implement anything. Why are you getting all worked up? All you do is go wow! Not how? That was worth the price of admission right there. You just go, Wow, not how. Right, and if they do actually do something you go, "Wow, wow!"
Ted Lowe: 26:41 Here's a tough one. Some of us need to say something simple, but powerful. I'm sorry. And don't ruin it by giving an excuse. Don't ruin it with, I'm sorry, I was just so tired, I'm sorry, but I'm just so frustrated at work. I'm sorry...Just say, "I am so sorry." If you want to take it to graduate level work you say, "You are right." If you're going to get your relationship PhD then you say, "I was wrong." Some of you are going, that is way too much. I cannot do that.
Ted Lowe: 27:16 How many moms? How many mom's again? This is the why I imagine it. When you're a great mom, you want to hear that. They need to hear that from us. You know, because the 10 year old's not saying it, what's the two year old saying? I got doo doo. Right? That's what she's hearing. That's what she's hearing. So she needs to hear it.
Ted Lowe: 27:31 Where's the grandparents in here? Yeah, you've got adult kids, and you're watching them parent and they're not good at it. Right? And you're kind of loving it, right? You're kind of loving it. They need to hear from you, you're doing a great job, you're a great mom, you're a great dad.
Ted Lowe: 27:51 Dad's need to hear it too right. We want to hear it. Who's that mom or that dad in your life? That they're in the midst of it, they're in the middle of it, and they're just always second guessing ourselves. Just when you figure a kid out, they change, they grow, they evolve. We're always wondering.
Ted Lowe: 28:07 As a dad of three teenagers, I called my dad and I said, "Dad, can I just say something?"
Ted Lowe: 28:07 He goes, "Yeah."
Ted Lowe: 28:12 I go, "I just need to apologize to you. I am so sorry you had to raise me. I was awful." Oh, I was sad a lot, and I was frustrated a lot, and I was impulsive, and I was mad at him, and I didn't know what's going on inside of me, so I would lash out on him because he would take it. Right? I said, "Dad, I'm just so sorry."
Ted Lowe: 28:12 And do you what he said to me? He goes, "We made it."
Ted Lowe: 28:38 Now here's a guy, fifth generation farmer, who had to raise two kids by himself. We made it. And that man was so gentle, so gentle with his words.
Ted Lowe: 28:56 Where's my grandparents right here? Raise your hand grandparents. Let me tell you who else said healing things to me. I had two grandmothers, I'm from the south, we called them Mama Lou and Mama Ruth. Can I tell you about my Mama Lou and my Mama Ruth? They were oh so patient with sparky boy here growing up. They delighted in who I was, and that was not delightful. They said to me, you're so smart. I didn't feel smart. You're so fun. I didn't feel fun. They loved me. And grandparents. I tell you, we can learn a lot from you. You do this well. You're slower and you're smarter with your words. And you even walk slower and not just because you have to. Just because you know, what are we rushing for? This is what's important. Grandparents, you can spot them five miles off, right? They look at those grand kids like...I want to look at my kids as if they are my grand kids. I want to delight in them.
Ted Lowe: 29:58 Here's another one. I miss you. Just during the day, I miss you. I miss you, I wish I was with you. I travel a lot, and my wife will do this. I'm like alright, she misses me, we got three kids and she has a job. I'd just figured she forget that I even existed, but it's so healing to hear those words.
Ted Lowe: 30:14 Or I'm proud of you. Every person in this room has somebody that wants to hear from you and they would love to hear I'm proud of you. I talk to so many adult guys in their forties and fifties, that would give anything for their dad to say I'm proud of you. Who is that person that you need to say I'm proud of you.
Ted Lowe: 30:33 Hey Tim, I'm glad you're home. Homes get too comfortable being chaotic and hurtful. Right? We're so controlled during the day. Oh, we're so good with all the employees and the employers, we're so good with perfect strangers. Well what if we said, you know what? I'm saving my best, not just what's left me, the best of me for home. That we say, you know what? We're going to slow down, and we're going to be smart, and we're going to be more gentle, and more playful, and more fun when we get home. One of the things studies show that when you watch families that that connect well, they have what they call a repair tent. And what that is, is they have some little fun thing that pops up, or a mantra, or whatever, that pops up when things are about to go south. Where they say, "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're on the same team. Hey, we're team Lowe, hey, we're team Smith, we're team Jones, whatever your name is, hey, we're on the same team. Or say something fun like, whoa we need a break. But we have that we make home great. What if we made home great, the number one time that couples are fighting is when they reconnected at the end of the day, what have you made that great? So for all you married couples here's a little bit more homework this week. When you reconnect, don't say a word, just make out for 30 seconds. Unless the kids are watching and then you're going to want to make out for 60. You've got to get them to move out somehow people. I say we gross them on out. Right?
Ted Lowe: 31:46 And then there's this one. I love you. You know, I think a lot of us I know in the south it is a real common thing. You talk to somebody three or four times a day going okay I'll talk to you a little bit. Okay, I love you, bye. You guys do that here? Or is that just a Georgia thing? I think that's good, there's nothing wrong with that, but I think we've got to pause some time and go do you know how much I love you? Because you think about the reason other people can push our buttons so much, those we love the closest push our buttons so much, is because they mean so much. You know what somebody can flip you off driving down the road, and to make you mad for a minute and then you'll be over it. Why? Because you don't care about them, you just think they're an idiot. When our spouse, or our kids, or somebody does something offensive, oh it matters this much. because you matter this much. And we need to pause and say, "Hey, you know what? I love you."
Ted Lowe: 32:42 So when I think about God's word, and I'm going okay what are we supposed to do with all this? We've got to be slow, we've got to be smart, and we got to be simple, and just say those things that they wanted to hear. One of the things with our kids when they were little, we'd say this, "When do I love you?" Because my wife and I talk a lot about the rescue. We had both made really bad choices in high school and college and then God just rescued us. And we talked about how he loved us all the time, so we'd say our kids when do I love you. We'd get them to repeat back, like robots, all the time, and when they were little day going all the time. Now that they're older is not quite as easy, I said to my 15 year old the other, I said, "Buddy when do I love you?"
Ted Lowe: 32:42 He goes, "When you feel like it."
Ted Lowe: 33:23 See, it's too smarmy, but hopefully is a seed is planted so deep within him that they know. And that is the goal of our words, is we're going to have times of tension, we're going to have frustrations, we're going to see things differently, because we are different. In those moments, regardless of the topic, regardless of the situation, do they know through our words that we love them all the time. Because we have a loving heavenly father who says to us, no matter what you do, I love you all the time.
Ted Lowe: 33:59 Let me pray for you. God, I thank you that you do love us all the time. Because we're not lovable all the time, not even close, but yet we've got a heavenly father that says, I adore you. And when you say the wrong thing, when you do the wrong thing, I don't stomp my foot in anger. I just love you. So God, would you help us to speak to each other like you speak to us? Your mercies are new every morning God, and thank you. And for those in here that feel more regret right now than hope, God, I just pray that that would absolutely through your power change. That they will walk out here going, you know what I can't do anything about yesterday, but I can certainly do something about today and tomorrow. And God as our people around us, if they try harder to speak well to us, help us to receive it, help us to acknowledge it, and help us to reward it. God it's not easy, but you love us and we're not alone, so help us to speak the way we need to speak to each other in the way that you would have us to speak to your child. Pray all in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Recorded in Chandler, Arizona.
Ted Lowe: 00:35 How are you guys? Yeah, my wife plays that title package every night when I come home from work. So, uh, yeah, it's great to be here. Hey, what a great church you guys have. What a great staff that you have. You've got that great Panera Bread out in the lobby, that's a lot of fun. You got this good cage right here for the really bad sinners. So I like this place Yeah, we were with you guys a couple of weeks back with the date night event and that's such a great thing. So it's an honor to be back with you.
Ted Lowe: 01:03 Hey, today we're going to talk about something that's important to all family relationships. I typically talk primarily to married couples, but I have been working with families recently as well. And so when we think about today, and what your church wanted for you. They said, "Look, we've got all kinds of different types of families. We've got extended families, we've got blended families, nuclear families, we've got so many different families. So whatever you speak, make sure it's applicable to all them."
Ted Lowe: 01:29 And today I can say that that's the case, because today we're going to take a look at the power of words. I did not understand the real power of words until I got married. I'd been married like literally two weeks, and we lived in a little tiny one bedroom, one bath apartment and had one mirror in the whole place, and my wife and I both had to get ready in that same mirror. And she came in and did that thing that she's been doing to mirrors as long as I've known her, where she backs herself up to the mirror. Ladies, do you do this? And then you spin your head around at a 180 degrees and you check out the back of yourselves. Most of us guys have never seen the back of ourselves. I call it the owl. I've since learned that the owl is followed with a question. A question that seems to be strategically designed to get me killed. The question of the day was, "Do you think these pants look too tight?"
Ted Lowe: 02:37 Choo, choo can you hear the train a coming? Yeah. Well, I was young and stupid and I did not listen to the still small, sweet voice of Jesus when he whispered lie. I said these three words, "Yeah, kind of." Yeah, kind of was the wrong answer. Yeah, kind of led to a whole lot of tears. In fact, she almost cried at one point. It was bad.
Ted Lowe: 03:08 And I started to learn that day what I know for certain, after being in ministry for over 20 years, and being married for 23, and working with families. I started learning that day what I know for certain today, that it only takes a few words to take our relationships in a direction that we do not want them to go. I can remember thinking, this is so delicate and you guys know this as well.
Ted Lowe: 03:31 Some of you have you experienced that on the way to church this morning? You're coming here to learn about Jesus, and one or all of you turned into the devil. Right, in fact, we have some of you that this happened to you in the parking lot. We want you to watch this...Some of you are going what? It's a fancy church, it could happen. But it only takes a few words to take our relationships in a direction that we do not want to go. Whether that's with our spouse, or that's with our parents, or that's with a sibling, or that's with step kids, or whatever that dynamic is. It only takes a few words, it's very, very fragile.
Ted Lowe: 04:04 Things like this, "Is that what you're wearing?"
Ted Lowe: 04:09 "No, these are my practice clothes."
Ted Lowe: 04:12 Right? And all of a sudden you're a little distant there. And then there's those times when we've done something wrong, and we're trying to find it out as delicately as possible. Hey, what's wrong? And we get what? Nothing! Always nothing, I'm with my people. Which we all know translates into something, You're an idiot. It only takes a few words. And then there's this one, "You are just like your mom." How many moms do we have in here? After all you do, you become the atomic bomb of phrases. It's not fair, accurate, but not fair. Right? And then there's this one. You always, you always come home later than you telling me you're going to, you always get frustrated, you always get impatient, you always say that, you always forget. You always. You always. You always. We look at our kids, you always forget, you always don't do your homework. You always. You always. And then there's you always's twin brother you never. You never do what you say you're going to do, you never treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You never. You never. You never. And you go one sentence and we're distant, and were frustrated. There's things like this. That'll never work. They want to share an idea with as we go, it'll never work. Then we got this one. What were you thinking? This is what I got a lot growing up, because I was ADHD long before it was cool to be. And my dad, my dad will always go, what were you thinking? I'd be like nothing, not even little, I wasn't thinking anything. There were no thoughts before actions. So those of you who are parents with kids with ADHD, you should know when you say what you were thinking, they weren't.
Ted Lowe: 06:16 My dad was constantly asking what were you thinking? My Dad, if you can tell, I grew up in the south. And my dad raised me old school. Anybody in here get raised old school? Yeah. He's always asking me the same thing, what were you thinking? He'd also do this thing, and I always thought it was really bizarre. If my brother and I wanted something and he didn't want to give it to us, it'd be things like, hey dad, can I get a cheeseburger? And he'd go, I'm going to cheeseburger you in a minute. Which as a child is a little frightening, like what does it look like to be cheeseburger? That can't feel good?
Ted Lowe: 06:39 Yeah, and so they say these things, just a few words. He said, are you sure? Are you sure? You know we ask them a question, they tell us something, and we go are you sure. I'm going to google that. Right? No one has confidence in what you're saying.
Ted Lowe: 06:59 Where is all of our married people? Raise your hand. These next few are just for you. These are really painful words for us. Not tonight, not this week, maybe next month. What'd you got going on Leap Year. Right? It only takes a few words.
Ted Lowe: 07:23 Here's what puts us all on the same page, whether you're married or not, whatever your family is, here's what we know to be true. Puts all on the same page. Whoever came up with this phrase, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. This person was, to use a biblical term, a moron. We just know this is not true. I wish it was true. It's just a statement of denial. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Of course words were hurt us. So here's the mystery of this whole thing. Here's the thing that I felt for years. Why do we do this? And the mystery is this. Why do we say the things we don't want to say, and not say the things we do? Why do we say the things we don't want to say and not say the things that we do? Like for you, if I were to ask you, "Do you want to say things that hurt those you love the most?"
Ted Lowe: 07:23 You'd say what, "No."
Ted Lowe: 08:15 If I said, "Do you want to speak words that speak life and not death into those you love the most?"
Ted Lowe: 08:15 We'd say what, "Yes, I want to do that."
Ted Lowe: 08:21 Then why is it, those of us who love the people around us, we find ourselves saying the words I can't believe I said that again, I can't believe I did that again, I can't believe that those words came out of my mouth again, when I knew how badly it hurt them. And we're finding ourselves not saying the things that we should. Because maybe we don't know how to say those, or it feels clunky to us, and so we just don't. So what's going on here? Because if we could figure out this mystery, man, it impacts every relationship that we have.
Ted Lowe: 08:55 Now listen, I've studied more on family dynamics, then I have brain cells, and I will tell you this. One day I landed on this passage and I thought...Wow, this is really it. Isn't it just like God in one verse to say, here's the situation, but better yet, here's what you do about it.
Ted Lowe: 09:12 Why are we saying the things we shouldn't, and not saying the things that we should. It comes from proverbs 12:18, it says, Careless words, stab like a sword." Because people say now aw were too sensitive to words, which is there some truth to that, but we've always been sensitive to words. For whatever reason, God has hardwired it in our DNA for words to matter. He says he is the living word. He gives us his word as the greatest gift to us, and yet so many of us are not that great with it. And we were careless, those word stab like a sword. Now you think this is ancient passage, and it could not be more relevant if it tried to modern life today. Because when we're careless, when we say those things, it stabs like a sword. Do you think the author was trying to get across the point? Careless words stab like a sword. And here's the deal, a stabbing is an event. God forbid if anybody in this room were to ever to be stabbed you'd remember that for the rest of your life. Because you remember events, especially the hurtful ones.
Ted Lowe: 10:16 When my mom passed away when I was 10, and I remember being in a relative's house. And I made this big mess in his family room, and he walks in and he sees the mess and it was pretty big, because again, I was me. He walks in and sees the mess, and he says something to me and I'd take off outside crying. He chases after me, he catches me, he grabs him by the arms, he spins me around and he goes, "Hey, just because your mom died doesn't mean you can cry about every little thing." Now I've got to tell you, that was a stabbing that day. And we remember a stabbing because is an event and we remember events, especially hurtful ones. Because here's the thing. I don't remember what Little League team I was on that year. I don't remember what I got from my Christmas present. I don't know where we went or if we went on vacation. But I remember everything about it. I remember the exact mess, I remember that it was hot outside, I remember he looked really, really big when he spun me around, and I remember all that because what he said at the end. Because what it said to me, if this has made you sad, something's wrong And that was very hurtful and memorable, a transformational moment in just a couple sentences, One sentence can be a stabbing, and that's what happens, But here's what we say because we weren't intentional, it was careless. We say, I didn't mean it, I was just kidding, I was just frustrated, I was just tired, or as my teenagers say, I was just saying. Oh, you were just totally rude to your mother, but since you were just saying we're good.
Ted Lowe: 11:49 We know it doesn't work this way. And here's the thing, when we have been careless and we see that it really stabbed them, and it really mattered to them. We're like so frustrated that they're making such a big deal about it. Why? Because it wasn't in our heart. When we're careless with our words is typically not a heart issue, it's a habit issue. We didn't mean it, and we're so frustrated, because you are going I didn't mean to hurt you as big as that just hurt you. But what we say, I was just kidding. I'll let just tell you, the swords already and it just turns it just a little bit more because we are careless. And you go, why do we say the things we didn't mean to? Because we're careless, or moving a million miles an hour. It's not a heart issue, it's a habit issue. Careless words stab like a sword.
Ted Lowe: 12:32 Now that you're all completely depressed, I want to give you some hope. Because I think we have to paint the reality and the truth of how important words are to understand how powerful they can be on the other side. And the great thing with God's word, he always lays it out really straight forward. Here's the situation, here's how important it is, here is the hope, "Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words lead to healing."
Ted Lowe: 12:59 Everybody can take a deep breath because at the end of the day, those things that we have said, we can start to speak something different to them. We can start to heal those moments. I was verbally abused as a kid and I have married the most amazing woman. Who has spoken words to me that have healed so many of those places, and here's the thing, you go you know she's the stereotypical woman who can put all her words together. Let me just tell you, my wife is an accountant. She would tell you her happy place is Excel spreadsheets. She's like the whole words thing, that's your jam, man. That is not mine. She says when we get mad at each other, you find your words and I lose mine.
Ted Lowe: 13:36 Right, but she has spoke something different to me, it has been healing to me. But here's the part where I think it starts to make sense of why we're not saying the things that we should say. A stabbing is an event, healing is a process. Healing is a process. Man it's an amazing process that we can speak words to those we've wounded, or other people have been wounded. We could speak these words to them, and it's a process of healing, But the problem is it's a process, and we're not exactly a culture pumped up on process. We created techno stress. The little hour glass comes up on our computer for more than three seconds, and we are like I need to upgrade. And we don't wait until things break, we upgrade them. I was talking to my son the other day about what a record was. And so I'm thinking as I start to explain it, I thought A. I have no idea how to explain this because I have no idea how this works. But I started with, I don't know you put this disc thing and it spins it around, and this arm's got a needle and then out comes Bon Jovi. Like, I don't know. Do you know what his only question was? So you had to go to the store and buy it. No buddy, music has always dropped magically from the sky unto the device of your choice.
Ted Lowe: 15:00 But we don't like process, and here's what happens, When we say the wrong thing, there is an event like response. We know without a shadow of a doubt that that hurt them. When we say the right thing, we don't get a big event like response. It's small because it's the process. My wife told me that I was the first person to ever tell her she was beautiful, which is so crazy. So I have, for 24 years, told her, you are so beautiful. You are so beautiful. Do you now want to get ladies? I get thank you. I am like no, look at you, you are so out of my league. Like if her standing beside me does not make people believe in Jesus, I got nothing for them. But I'll tell her you are just so beautiful. One day I said, it's really important for me to to know that you know how beautiful that I think that you are. I go am I saying it too much? Because it makes it not matter, because it feels like it doesn't matter. She goes, oh no, I love it. And I'm like could you alert your face?
Ted Lowe: 16:04 Right? If I said the wrong thing, like those pants are too tight, I get an event like response, I say the right thing, I get a little thank you. Why? Because that's the process, and it's slower, and what's rewarded is repeated. A lot of us, you know, we don't say those things to the people around us because we don't think it matters to them, but oh it matters.
Ted Lowe: 16:26 And guys, we are the world's worst. When someone says something important to us, whether that's our parents, or our friends, or our wife, or girlfriend, whatever those things are. When they say those things to us like, you're so great at your job, you're such a good dad, thank you for this, thank you for that. And what do we do? We go, (inaudible) and that's all we give them. Right? In reality, we're not giving them anything, so they're looking at us and they're saying what? They're going oh well that didn't really matter to them. Ladies, can I just tell you, parents can I tell you, on the inside, that guy is going, Yeah! Because it feels right. But here's the thing. We don't know how to tell you that, we don't even understand why that's such a great thing, and we don't say thank you for speaking to my wounded little boy soul. We're not going to do that, ever. Right?
Ted Lowe: 17:19 But we've got to know, ladies, men, we got to know that when we're saying those right things that it really, really matters is the process. And isn't a relationship a process? That we've got to get really great in the process of words. So how do we do that? Let's make this really simple, we have to be slow. We have got to learn how to slow this thing down. Every radio station in the country has a thing called a seven second delay. Where they have seven seconds to delay things from going out into the airwaves. And I was like, oh man, if we could figure out how to build some kind of like chip. That we can put in the back of people's throat where they would go, oh, I shouldn't have said that...bam rewind...say it again. We'd all be wealthy, right? Wouldn't it be great? But here's the thing. I thought man if we did have a seven second delay, I wonder how many more families would be whole and complete, and how many of us would be less wounded, and how many less times.
Ted Lowe: 18:17 So we have to do that. We have to learn how to be slow. And let tell you who this is the most difficult with. You know I've got three teenagers. It's my oldest one. He's about to graduate and he is ready to go. He had senioritis since third grade, right? He's my child that has looked at me since he was this big, and has gone I got it. Right?And so if anybody pushes my buttons, it is my first born and I love it so dearly. I love him so dearly, but there's some button, and so I will end up in these verbal matches with him that's just stupid. And I had another one, and my wife said to me, she goes can I say something? I said, yeah. She goes, I'll tell you what happened there, she said, you need to be slow. Pastor take your own advice. Right? Slow. We have to learn how to slow this thing down.
Ted Lowe: 19:06 When is that time for you where you find your words being the most careless? What time of the day? What's the situation? What's the topic? Counselors say a lot of times it's times your in H.A.L.T. That stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Right? The number one time couples are fighting is when they reconnect at the end of the day. Because I think they're hungry, angry, lonely and tired. They come home oh, my day was awful. You think your day was awful? You should've had my day. Right?
Ted Lowe: 19:30 You think about families. You think about when we're trying to get out the door to school or we're trying to do the next thing. We've already had our full time job, and then we've got our other part time job of Ubering our kids. I always say this, "Raising teenagers is like running a free hotel, but everyone's always griping about service." We're like Uber drivers, right? That never get paid, or get a good review. That's how that works, but we are moving and what we do, we forget in the middle of this. Wait a minute, we've provided all this, we're doing all this, we have decided all this, because we love them. We got to slow it down parents. We've got to slow it down spouses. We've go to slow it down mom and dad, we got to slow it down siblings.
Ted Lowe: 20:15 Who's that relationship that as we're talking, they push your buttons? They push those buttons. What if you started to be slow? Well they'll probably pass out, but it'd be healing thing. We have to be slow, we have to be slow, but you can't be silent. Some of you are going, "Oh yeah, when I'm mad, I'm real slow. I don't talk for six months." I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about, whoa, I need to take a breath. I need to take a break. You know, neurologically, chemically our bodies and our brain when we're angry are set up to fail. There's a chemical called cortisol that floods us, blood pressure goes up. We kind of lose our minds, and that's why we say those things. And then we'd get on the other end of it going, when we're back to ourselves, I can't believe I said that. So we have to, in the moment, learn how to slow this thing down. And we have to be slow, but we cannot be silent.
Ted Lowe: 21:00 Some of the most hurtful words are the words that are never said. Our kids need it. the people we love around us they need to hear it. We can't be silent and we have to be smart. It's wise words that lead to healing. The same book of the Bible says that flattery is evil. We all know when someone's just flattering us or buttering us up. It doesn't sit right, does it? It doesn't mean anything. It certainly doesn't heal any wounded parts. Right? This is wise words. This is smart words. We've got to figure out where their wounded and we get the opportunity to speak something different. And you go how do I know where their wounded? Well, you can ask them, but they may not even know. So asking them is sometimes the easy way. Here's another way. When someone's reaction doesn't match the situation, it reveals where they're wounded. Think about somebody you love and every time you talk about, fill in the blank, their reaction doesn't match the situation. Every time you talk about money, the reaction's too big, every time we talk about in-law's the reaction's too big, every time you talk about jobs the reaction's too big, every time we talk about appearance or clothes the reaction's too big. That right there is where they're wounded. And what we want to do, and what's really hard not to do is we realize how unfair their reaction is. And we're like, are you kidding me right now? If we can be relationally brave and go, whoa, that's where they're touchy.
Ted Lowe: 22:20 How many of you in here, living in Phoenix, have ever been sunburned? Right? Somebody can barely graze your skin and you want to punch them in the nose, right? Why? Cause you're so touchy, so wounded. Where are they relationally and emotionally sunburned. What's that topic? And there's your greatest opportunity. That's where you get to be different. And that's the thing. When we started thinking about how God loves us, how Christ loves us, I mean the gap between what we deserve and what we get is massive. And we get to be that for those around us. If our parents, and if our families, if our kids are going to know a life full of grace and love and tenderness unconditionally, it is going to be because we decide to give it to them.
Ted Lowe: 23:08 So let me give you a couple of wise words. A couple of healing words. They're very complicated, so you're going to want to write these down. Please. And what I mean by this, you watch when we're frustrated with our families, when we're at odds with each other. Sometimes we get quiet, we get curt, we get frustrated, and we leave out the niceties like please, and things like thank you. You think about this for a minute. We come home after a whole day of saying please and thank you to coworkers to perfect strangers,and we'd come home and we even dropped that. Some of us need to say, you know what? You and I are having a hard time, but thank you for what you do for our family. Buddy thank you that you're trying really hard at school. I know we're arguing about the whole homework thing, but I know you're trying to thank you for doing that. Thank you, and it starts these little things. Things like you're beautiful. Any of us dads, or granddads, or whatever we are in a female's life, we need to say you are beautiful. I tell my daughter that since she was tiny, your beautiful. She's now 13 ,and other night she goes, I know dad, I'm beautiful. Right, you're beautiful. Dad's let's tell our daughters, so she doesn't go somewhere trying to find it in a way that's going to get her hurt. That's on us. You are beautiful.
Ted Lowe: 24:30 And guys want to hear it too. All of us. This is just for your wives, husbands we want to hear that we're attractive too, but you want to hear a little bit different way. We want to hear it like this, you're hot. And here's the great thing with men, we don't have to be hot, but if you tell us we're hot, we will believe you. Men that's how that works isn't it. Yeah, we want to hear that. Yeah. Yeah. And here's another one for men, "You've got this." Studies show that men always have this low grade to high grade anxiety about their occupation, and their ability to provide. We're always kind of wondering about this, regardless of what we're making, regardless of our position, whatever that is, we're always kind of wondering about that just a little bit. So wives, here's a little bit of homework for you, five times this week I want you to take your hand and I want you to cup it. I wan't you to come up behind your husband, and what you pat him this hard, and I want you to go bam, "You've got this." Your goal is to leave whips, and I want one of those to be on the way out in the parking lot, okay? That's how that works. I did this in a women's conference one time, and I don't think they're gonna have me back. But I did see pastor in the parking lot, and the pastor's wife come up behind the pastor in the parking lot and goes, "You've got this". Maybe she knows something about pastor that I don't. We need to hear this..you've got this.
Ted Lowe: 25:48 How many of you are married to ideas people? Or you have kids that are always coming up with some crazy idea, or maybe it's your parents, your grandma, we've all got those people. Well here's what we tend to want to do, is we just want to get all complicated with it. You've got somebody coming in saying, "Hey, let's turn the house into a convertible."
Ted Lowe: 26:10 Here's all you say, 'Wow!" And just leave it at that. Because here's what you guys do. Wow, you know the hydraulics, that's never going to carry the weight of that, are you going to...? No! All you do is say, "Wow." Because here's the thing with ideas people, because I am one. Ideas are like squirrels, they jump from branch to branch, they don't ever really land. We don't implement anything. Why are you getting all worked up? All you do is go wow! Not how? That was worth the price of admission right there. You just go, Wow, not how. Right, and if they do actually do something you go, "Wow, wow!"
Ted Lowe: 26:41 Here's a tough one. Some of us need to say something simple, but powerful. I'm sorry. And don't ruin it by giving an excuse. Don't ruin it with, I'm sorry, I was just so tired, I'm sorry, but I'm just so frustrated at work. I'm sorry...Just say, "I am so sorry." If you want to take it to graduate level work you say, "You are right." If you're going to get your relationship PhD then you say, "I was wrong." Some of you are going, that is way too much. I cannot do that.
Ted Lowe: 27:16 How many moms? How many mom's again? This is the why I imagine it. When you're a great mom, you want to hear that. They need to hear that from us. You know, because the 10 year old's not saying it, what's the two year old saying? I got doo doo. Right? That's what she's hearing. That's what she's hearing. So she needs to hear it.
Ted Lowe: 27:31 Where's the grandparents in here? Yeah, you've got adult kids, and you're watching them parent and they're not good at it. Right? And you're kind of loving it, right? You're kind of loving it. They need to hear from you, you're doing a great job, you're a great mom, you're a great dad.
Ted Lowe: 27:51 Dad's need to hear it too right. We want to hear it. Who's that mom or that dad in your life? That they're in the midst of it, they're in the middle of it, and they're just always second guessing ourselves. Just when you figure a kid out, they change, they grow, they evolve. We're always wondering.
Ted Lowe: 28:07 As a dad of three teenagers, I called my dad and I said, "Dad, can I just say something?"
Ted Lowe: 28:07 He goes, "Yeah."
Ted Lowe: 28:12 I go, "I just need to apologize to you. I am so sorry you had to raise me. I was awful." Oh, I was sad a lot, and I was frustrated a lot, and I was impulsive, and I was mad at him, and I didn't know what's going on inside of me, so I would lash out on him because he would take it. Right? I said, "Dad, I'm just so sorry."
Ted Lowe: 28:12 And do you what he said to me? He goes, "We made it."
Ted Lowe: 28:38 Now here's a guy, fifth generation farmer, who had to raise two kids by himself. We made it. And that man was so gentle, so gentle with his words.
Ted Lowe: 28:56 Where's my grandparents right here? Raise your hand grandparents. Let me tell you who else said healing things to me. I had two grandmothers, I'm from the south, we called them Mama Lou and Mama Ruth. Can I tell you about my Mama Lou and my Mama Ruth? They were oh so patient with sparky boy here growing up. They delighted in who I was, and that was not delightful. They said to me, you're so smart. I didn't feel smart. You're so fun. I didn't feel fun. They loved me. And grandparents. I tell you, we can learn a lot from you. You do this well. You're slower and you're smarter with your words. And you even walk slower and not just because you have to. Just because you know, what are we rushing for? This is what's important. Grandparents, you can spot them five miles off, right? They look at those grand kids like...I want to look at my kids as if they are my grand kids. I want to delight in them.
Ted Lowe: 29:58 Here's another one. I miss you. Just during the day, I miss you. I miss you, I wish I was with you. I travel a lot, and my wife will do this. I'm like alright, she misses me, we got three kids and she has a job. I'd just figured she forget that I even existed, but it's so healing to hear those words.
Ted Lowe: 30:14 Or I'm proud of you. Every person in this room has somebody that wants to hear from you and they would love to hear I'm proud of you. I talk to so many adult guys in their forties and fifties, that would give anything for their dad to say I'm proud of you. Who is that person that you need to say I'm proud of you.
Ted Lowe: 30:33 Hey Tim, I'm glad you're home. Homes get too comfortable being chaotic and hurtful. Right? We're so controlled during the day. Oh, we're so good with all the employees and the employers, we're so good with perfect strangers. Well what if we said, you know what? I'm saving my best, not just what's left me, the best of me for home. That we say, you know what? We're going to slow down, and we're going to be smart, and we're going to be more gentle, and more playful, and more fun when we get home. One of the things studies show that when you watch families that that connect well, they have what they call a repair tent. And what that is, is they have some little fun thing that pops up, or a mantra, or whatever, that pops up when things are about to go south. Where they say, "Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're on the same team. Hey, we're team Lowe, hey, we're team Smith, we're team Jones, whatever your name is, hey, we're on the same team. Or say something fun like, whoa we need a break. But we have that we make home great. What if we made home great, the number one time that couples are fighting is when they reconnected at the end of the day, what have you made that great? So for all you married couples here's a little bit more homework this week. When you reconnect, don't say a word, just make out for 30 seconds. Unless the kids are watching and then you're going to want to make out for 60. You've got to get them to move out somehow people. I say we gross them on out. Right?
Ted Lowe: 31:46 And then there's this one. I love you. You know, I think a lot of us I know in the south it is a real common thing. You talk to somebody three or four times a day going okay I'll talk to you a little bit. Okay, I love you, bye. You guys do that here? Or is that just a Georgia thing? I think that's good, there's nothing wrong with that, but I think we've got to pause some time and go do you know how much I love you? Because you think about the reason other people can push our buttons so much, those we love the closest push our buttons so much, is because they mean so much. You know what somebody can flip you off driving down the road, and to make you mad for a minute and then you'll be over it. Why? Because you don't care about them, you just think they're an idiot. When our spouse, or our kids, or somebody does something offensive, oh it matters this much. because you matter this much. And we need to pause and say, "Hey, you know what? I love you."
Ted Lowe: 32:42 So when I think about God's word, and I'm going okay what are we supposed to do with all this? We've got to be slow, we've got to be smart, and we got to be simple, and just say those things that they wanted to hear. One of the things with our kids when they were little, we'd say this, "When do I love you?" Because my wife and I talk a lot about the rescue. We had both made really bad choices in high school and college and then God just rescued us. And we talked about how he loved us all the time, so we'd say our kids when do I love you. We'd get them to repeat back, like robots, all the time, and when they were little day going all the time. Now that they're older is not quite as easy, I said to my 15 year old the other, I said, "Buddy when do I love you?"
Ted Lowe: 32:42 He goes, "When you feel like it."
Ted Lowe: 33:23 See, it's too smarmy, but hopefully is a seed is planted so deep within him that they know. And that is the goal of our words, is we're going to have times of tension, we're going to have frustrations, we're going to see things differently, because we are different. In those moments, regardless of the topic, regardless of the situation, do they know through our words that we love them all the time. Because we have a loving heavenly father who says to us, no matter what you do, I love you all the time.
Ted Lowe: 33:59 Let me pray for you. God, I thank you that you do love us all the time. Because we're not lovable all the time, not even close, but yet we've got a heavenly father that says, I adore you. And when you say the wrong thing, when you do the wrong thing, I don't stomp my foot in anger. I just love you. So God, would you help us to speak to each other like you speak to us? Your mercies are new every morning God, and thank you. And for those in here that feel more regret right now than hope, God, I just pray that that would absolutely through your power change. That they will walk out here going, you know what I can't do anything about yesterday, but I can certainly do something about today and tomorrow. And God as our people around us, if they try harder to speak well to us, help us to receive it, help us to acknowledge it, and help us to reward it. God it's not easy, but you love us and we're not alone, so help us to speak the way we need to speak to each other in the way that you would have us to speak to your child. Pray all in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Recorded in Chandler, Arizona.
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